I thought you might enjoy this as much as me. I laughed so much at this. ♥

Can you feel me
When I think about you
With every breath I take
Every minute
No matter what I do
My world is an empty place
Like I've been wandering the desert
For a thousand days

Love this song. Don’t judge, just because its a Selena Gomez song. Hmph. Anyway! WOW, did I sound depressed in the last post!? Anyway. Time for another update! I know, I don’t blog a lot anymore. I used to use blogging to procrastinate from doing homework and stuff, and now I procrastinate from blogging! Bad actual times. Well, anyway, last Monday Rebecca and I went to the library for a nice revision (semi) filled day, bought some stationary, and got a subway. Well. That was all fine and dandy, but then Tuesday! Ohmydays. Tuesday night around ten o’clock, I went downstairs feeling sick. Four am Wednesday morning and I had been sick five times. And I slept on a sofa that ends at my knees. It was not a good night. I was exhausted and napping constantly until the weekend! Unfortunately the stomach bug spread to my parents. It was horrible.

So, anyway, today I saunder into Psychology, and my teacher is all “Oh, youre in then.” and then went on to say something along the lines of “Do you think you can manage to make it in until the end of the term?” … I was not amused. I sat there in a strop, not giving her eye contact.

I’m dreading my English and Psychology exams. Both on the same day! Have I mentioned this enough yet? I have six weeks until my exams, and then no more edumacation for the rest of my life. Well, not in the Ridgeway School, any way. Next Friday is my last ever day in school, too! I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m growing up to fast. I want cookies and colouring books, not criticisms and revision guides. However, I realise you can’t pause the sands of time for anything, so you just have to go with the flow.

Well, I’m off to settle down with some lemonade, Frazzles (Hell yeah, Bacon flavour crisps!) and the TV. Have a nice day!

Year without Rain - Selena Gomez

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been
Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

So, kinda blogging as I feel like I need to write down how I feel right now. Maybe to understand it a little better? I’m not entirely sure. All I know is that right now, as well as last night, I’m feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure. I don’t know exactly why this is, but I’m pretty sure it isn’t just one thing.

I know that, next month is my last ever month of school. I’ve been at this school for the past seven years! Not exactly been good all the way through, but some days make the bad ones not matter any more. Anyway, my point it, by the beginning of July, the month in which I turn 18, I will have finished school completely, and I will be smacked full on in the face with the impending disaster of my life that is adulthood, and with it, a job.

I’ve never actually sat down and decided what I wanted to be. I’ve never aspired to anything, so does that mean I’ll just end up being a failure? Not necessarily, I know, but as I said, feeling insecure and vulnerable, and at times like these you think about these sort of things.

I’ll blog again some time soon, I have to get ready for psychology. ♥

Your lips are nettles
Your tongue is wine
You're laughter’s liquid
But your body's pine

You love all sailors
But hate the beach
You say "Come touch me”
But you're always out of reach

In the dark you tell me of a flower
that only blooms in the violet hour

So, I guess I need another long post to fill in the big gap, otherwise known as the past two weeks! Well, although I was off for both weeks for my LAST EVER EASTER HOLIDAYS I didn’t really do that much. The second week I did considerably more than the first week, but alas, I never did any work for school. We knew this was going to happen. It always does.

Well, On the weekend my parents went to visit the family in Minehead (I stayed at my house by choice, they weren’t tyrants or anything) I made a full roast dinner for four on the Sunday for when they got back! Look!

I made that all myself! Are you proud? You should be! I put the chicken in the over on my own without burning myself, and then I added potatoes, and then I cooked the vegetables and Yorkshire Pud’s. It was a good day!

I’ve noticed I keep taking a lot of photo’s of food that I make lately. For example, the following;

A fat arse pancake

  

And, Garlic bread!

Because, come on, who doesnt like a bit of garlic bread. And, that pancake,even with the idiotic amount of cinnamon on, was pretty darn good.

 

Oh god. You can tell I’ve spent the day with Becca, can’t you? This post! Its all about food! I’ll move on.

I went over Zoey’s house for a nice sleepover and some good quality time with my Twi-buddy. Taught her how to play “Not like the movies” on piano (the intro, at least) and had a nice picnic at Lydiard. Luckily her puppy Frankie didn't hump me once.

Today! The first day back to school! I went to English, because I didnt have IT or anything. (I was arranging things with Becca over FB, way more important that school, obviously) We met in “The honey pot” cafe, where we both got a ham and cheese Panini and a white coffee. I managed to put three sugars in mine without even thinking to taste it before, but it was okay. Then we managed to actually get to a lesson of Miss Williams (I’d write Mrs but I dont think she’s married. No offence. She just doest seem… married. Urr… Moving on) and after surviving usage of the brain, we walked to my house where my dad drove us all the way to Marlborough, where we sat and had lemonades (My dad and I) and a coffee (Becca, obviously, being the four-a-day Java Junkie she is)

And now I’m home. And writing a post in my blog! Today has been one massive miracle for me. I walked into a cafe alone, and sat at a table, alone. I know! I’m not so socially awkward. I think its because I’m craving human contact or something from the lack thereof for the past two week.

Tomorrow I am meeting up with Becca, her nephew Ollie, and Lizzie, and then we’re heading off to spend a nice day at coate water, and then when Shaun gets there we’re going to Pizza Hut. I haven't seen Shaun in over a year! Bless ‘im! I might have to give him one of the kinder egg toys he decorated for me, just for good times sake. Thursday I’m keeping my nephew Benjamin off so I can take him to Jolly Rogers with Becca and Ollie (Because who needs school. Is it even on this week? I’m not going to any lessons, so apparently not.) where Becca and I get to play for free because we’re big kids. LOL. We’re SUCH good students. And Becca, a bad influence.

Sometime by Tuesday, I have to have made Psychology notes and posters. Ahahahaha, Yeah, that’ll be done Monday. Bets in?

Anyway! Dinner time! Food’s more important that writing about what I do in my life. Obviously. Byyee!!

Angels watching over me
With smiles upon their face
Cause I have made it through this far
In an unforgiving place
It feels sometimes this hill's too steep
For a girl like me to climb
But I must knock those thoughts right down
I'll do it in my own time

I don't care
I'm halfway there
On a road that leads me straight to who knows where

I tell you what
What I have found
That I'm no fool
I'm just upside down
Ain't got no cares
I ain't got no rules
I think I like
Living upside down

Yeah, Yeah. Don’t look at me like that. I know I haven't written here for ages. I know you’re thinking “Finally!”  and, I can’t blame you. I did stop only ten days into a thirty day challenge. I messed up the list and gave up. What that says about me is kinda obvious.

So, today is the first day of my LAST EVER EASTER HOLIDAY’S! In June, I will be taking my last ever English exam, and my last ever psychology exam. Both. On. The. Same. Day. Originally, both exams were at the exact same time. Now, lucky me (And about seven others) have a twenty minute break in between exams to recollect our thoughts and rehydrate for the panicking sheen of sweat that will inevitably cover our whole bodies from the stress of the exams. Okay, I realise that’s a tad disgusting.

For Psychology, I need to learn all about Phobia’s, Addiction and the dreaded Research Methods. Oh my days, Research Methods. I didn't like them last year, and they’ve come back with revengeful purposes! And, they brought math! Spearman’s Rho, Chi square, Mann-Whitney and Wilcoxon T tests. I can’t take it! Ah!

For English, I need to learn how to analysis an extract for all sorts of things like the writers attitudes, beliefs and ideas, as well as half a billion other things, and then also how to answer questions on the two plays we read in class; “A Doll’s house” – Henrik Ibsen, “All my sons” – Arthur Miller.

Plus, I have IT Btec coursework to finish soon. Which is something like three essays at the moment, I believe. But they’re okay. They just take a while to write, but I just re-write my notes into a letter form and make up some sort of company and advise them on how they would go about being imaginary and on the internet, and telling them how to avoid getting information stolen by yet more imaginary people. ToyTown is a very popular toy making factory that’s just gone from paper based systems and hand crafted products to a fully automated system. That’s the essay I’m currently on. And I’m on like, the fourth or fifth page and I’m no way near finished yet.

I currently watching Filth Fighters with my Mumsy. I’m sat on the sofa with my feet up, and I think I drunk too much diet coke this evening, because I’m slightly hyper and seem to be skipping evurwhere. Ew! There’s a house full of bottles of pee. That’s what the toilets for!? That’s groooosssss. And there’s apparently semen everywhere. My mum goes “Yeah, he just sits there whatsitting” Nice way to put it, I suppose. Better than when my dad had to hand whisk some pancake mix and said that it was a “Hand-joby” … My days. I think my dirty mind is a bad influence on my parents. They didn’t used to be this bad, I swear.

I’ve been watching Nurse Jackie a lot lately. I think I need to catch up with the last episode, however. Also, I watched Series three of Being Human, and then I watched the spin off with Adam (Craig Roberts. Drool!) in Becoming Human, and I kinda got obsessed. See, before I liked Twilight, Being Human’s vampire, Mitchell, was my favourite vampire. I missed the whole of the second series of Being Human, some how, and then resumed this series. It is pretty awesome. But very sad when George (The male werewolf, because Nina is the female werewolf) had to stake Mitchell in the heart because he kept killing loads of people! But, He shouldn't have done that! Because Annie (The Ghost) loved him! Poor Annie! (I know, its weird. A Vampire and a Ghost in love. Love is love, though, right?) … Sorry if I just spoiled the show for you telling you what happened. LOL.

Last Wednesday I went to Pizza Hut with Becca, Lizzie, Dan and Ben. I had a nice veggie supreme pizza and diet coke, and we had a good laugh before heading over (Late for our original film: Chalet Girl) to the cinema, and waiting around for a while for Hall Pass to start. While waiting, I played a terrible game of Time Crisis with Dan, in which resulted in me dying before the first level ended. Yay! I’m so good!

I must say, what is it with 15 films these days and their constant need of penis and boobs! Not that its not funny (In Hall Pass, anyway)… But there is only so much a 15 year old could take, I swear! Like, for instance, Love and other drugs, Anne Hathaway’s boobs were constantly out, and she and Jake Gylenhall (Or however its spelt) were constantly sexing it up. As a 17 year old, I can appreciate that (LOL!) but if I were 15, I think I’d be really embarrassed to sit there during that. (And, to be honest, I am slightly now, because, obviously, I’m socially awkward half the time anyway)

Ah! I’m eighteen this year. That’s just plain Kuh-Ray-Zee!! And, after I finish school for the last time, I have to go and get a decent job so I can earn my living. I don’t like being old. I wanna be that four year old jumping up and down, trying to reach other cookie jar in the kitchen cupboard! I wanna be carried everywhere, and tucked in at night! Waaahh!

Nah, It’s all good. You’ve just got to take life as it hits you in the face. Take one step at a time and make mistakes that you can learn from after. You’ll learn eventually, and you’ll have some cool stories to tell your kids when you grow up.

Has this really long blog post made up for the lack of sufficient posts these past few weeks? I think it should.

Its ten o’clock. (The time I usually tuck myself into bed at) So, I must be gone now. Mainly because I’m yawning and now I‘m being distracted by CSI, where they are showing a lovely little video of a women decomposing. Yum! Okay. Mum changed the channel halfway through an episode, so I’m going to go to bed now. G’night, dear people. Tomorrow, a-new!

 
A picture of something you hate

 

Getting up from bed in the morning for school!!

 
A song from your favourite band

Band? Paramore? I caught myself? Or Decode? Or The Only Exception? =D

Links to all the websites and online profiles you have.

All of the websites I am on are linked in the side of this blog anyway. Except my Facebook.

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/profile.php?id=1350761717

A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Becca has been there for me a heck of a lot since we’ve been friends. Like, seriously, countless numbers of things. She’s the best. *Gets ready to deflate her head*

A song that has lyrics you’d consider getting tattooed.

 “Believe in me”

A song that you can dance to.

I don’t dance, but I must admit, there are a lot of songs I can dance to. Anything with a decent beat, if I’m honest. :P

A picture that makes you laugh

A photo of someone you fancy at the moment.

I don’t fancy anyone right now, other than the celebrity crush style fancy. Which would be Jackson Rathbone. *Drools*

 

A song that you know all the words to.

 A picture of your most treasured item 

My laptop!! This is the actual laptop I have. A Fujitsu siemens esprimo mobile V5535. I have no clue what I would do without this laptop.

 Quote one of the nicest messages you have ever recieved on ask/formspring.

Hahahaha. Don’t even joke. I get constant abuse on my formspring. I think the nicest thing Ive had lately is “Do you still trim your facial hair?” in which I replied “Daily ;)” LOL

A song that reminds you of a certain event

Lily Allen’s “Fuck you” reminds me of Radio One’s big weekend May 2009. (I think it was May 2009)

A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Ashley Greene. I’d love to try acting for just a day, to see what it’s like. Plus, I’d love to live in a sunny state of America, with a little doggy, and awesome friends.

A band/artist not many people know of, but you think should. 

David Hodges. I like this song so much.

 A song that reminds of you of somewhere.

I don’t knooooowwww. >-< I want to say that Hot N cold reminds me of sitting in the Art department at school… That’ll do. Haha.

A picture of your favourite memory

I don't have a favourite memory. That not fair!

A photo of yourself, not taken by you. 

A song that reminds you of someone

Hot N cold – Katy Perry. The first song of her’s I ever listened to, and it reminds me of Becca. :P

A picture of your favourite night

    

We had the best food that night. It was so fun. Cruise ship with the best friend. Favourite night. 

The best concert/gig you have been to.

I’ve only ever been to one concert, really. It was Radio One’s Big Weekend when it was in Swindon. It was pretty epic, in all honesty.

A song that makes you sad

Well… It’s actually a Miley Cyrus song. I miss you – Miley Cyrus. Its been the most sad song since I was at least twelve, thirteen maybe.

A picture of the cast from your favourite show

                   Nurse Jackie

For the actual win. I love this show so much. Its so funny. And I do admit I only started watching because it was on BBC2 and Peter Fachinelli (AKA Carlisle Cullen from The Twilight Saga)  was in it. But its good, and I think I have to admit, Coop (Fachinelli) is my favourite Male character because of his hilarious vanity, lesbian parents and nervous boob touching. Zoey is just epic, and is my favourite female character, although Dr O’hara is pretty hilarious too.

A photo of you in a drunken state. 

I don't actually have any photo’s off this, because the only time I've been drunk, I don't think any photo’s were taken. But, maybe next time. Haha. 

 A song that makes you happy

Peacock – Katy Perry. Just ‘cos of it’s lyrics not-so-subtle hidden meaning.

A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

Charlotte Benhalilou.

Charr Larr is three years older than me, and she’s a family friend. She lives across the road from me. I remember when I was eight or nine, she used to persuade me to run back to my house to get her food all the time. Haha. We usually sit on the doorstep every now and then (Something which we haven't don't in “donkey’s years” as she says) and have nice catch up chats. Last year she turned twenty, and as I’m writing this, I’ve just come to realise she’ll be twenty-one this year. Oh my days! Scary.com. (She used to say “Confused.com” and then it went on to “-Insert-any-word-here-.com”) She’s pretty, hilarious, has the best stories about everything from being drunk to the local news on stabbings. LOL. I do love Charlotte, and I do miss her. She finished her beauty therapy course at college a few years ago, and now has a Job who knows where doing charity-raising events for a park somewhere… I think. I actually have no idea, I only think this because she said she had to cycle for the whole day ages ago for charity. And I think she mentioned Coate Water or something. I either am oh so observant of what she says, Or I just completely forgetful. We’ve gone on a two week holiday together (Well, with my parents too, but… yeah) which was awesome. Until she almost died. No joke. She had this bad tooth ache, which was actually an.. abscess thing that could've burst and gone down her throat or whatever and killed her. We actually took her home (A two hour drive there and back) the day before we officially left and saved her life, essentially. On that holiday, when she wasn't busy almost dying, we had a lot of energy-drink filled fun. The first day we were there, a group of boys asked for her number; Which is kind of the norm when you hang around with Charlotte. We played pool on the second floor of the Stardust arcade and played N-dubz “Number one” while we play one of our one hour games, because we suck at potting the balls. We were perved on, and I bent over deliberately, causing us both to go into a laughing fit. I’m laughing as I write this. Good times! Charlotte when on one of those electric shock games. About five times. On easy, medium and hard. And the dance mat! With out awesome scores on “Sway with me” or whatever song it was. And that car game where the car you sit in goes all over the place. And the foam ball gun cage! Laser tag! Good actual times! God, we have to do that again, I miss it. That's where we got the nicknames Bodger and Badger. My dad was making rustling sounds on the wall to try and freak Char and me out, and we were looking out the window like “What the heck –is- that!?” and (I think) Charlotte screams, seeing a Badger. Something like that, anyway. She is generally one of the nicest, most kind-hearted people you will ever wish to meet, and I’m glad I know her, and have been so close to her for so long.

*Cheesy grin*

List 5 of your favourite websites, and why they’re your favourite.

Twitter, because I've met some brilliant, funny, awesome, kind people on there, and I can also stalk the famous-kind and see where they are and what they-re doing in a legal way!

Facebook, because I can see what people I know are doing, and, also, stalk in a legal way.

Youtube, because thats where I get all my awesome music from, and I enjoy some of the hilarious Viral videos on there.

Hotmail, to check my emails, DUH!

Blogger.com, because without this website, I wouldn't have a blog to put my memories and such in! 

 Your least favourite song.

My least favourite song, I don't want it on my blog. Its anything by Jedward, because they are soooo annoying. Hahaha.

I've been seeing these “30 day” challenges over a lot of different social networking sites lately. You can do picture ones, song ones and, if you Google it there are countless different versions. I have chosen three that I will do (Or try to) over the next 30 days. One is a picture one, another a song one, and the third is just a list of random questions on your personality and stuff. So, here’s day one. Enjoy!

Day 1- A picture of you and fifteen random facts.

Facts:
- The necklace in this picture was bought for me by my Granddad.
- The bag I am wearing in this picture is one of my favourites, but it ripped.
- This picture is actually pretty old. About a year, at least.
- I am playing on Pokémon Ruby for GBA. ;)
- I once stole out of date bread from the back of a Tesco’s shop.
- I pushed a girl in the road once.
- She pushed me first.
- My Mum saw from the window.
- I watch the Disney Channel most of the time.
- My favourite Disney Show would have to be That’s So Raven.
- My favourite smiley online is O.o
- I’m not so good with riddles.
- I think I have to wear that shirt, up there in my picture, more often.
- I got a new TV set box yesterday, and I miss the old one.
- According to my New Moon calendar, its still December.

Day 01 – Your favourite song

Day 01 - The celebrity you’d do unthinkable, illegal things to.

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha

I think we all know this one. Monroe Jackson Rathbone V.

“What do you two want to eat tonight?" Jackson said, plopping down next to me on the sofa.
"Pizza?" Ben J said.
"Nah, We've had Pizza twice already this week."
"Chinese?"
"You know I don't like Chinese, Dude."
"You live on takeaway food, don't you?" I asked. Both Ben and Jackson looked at me and nodded. I shook my head. "Guys."
"Jackson's done an advert where he irons toast. He can't cook much better than that" Ben laughed. Jackson nudged him, chuckling.
"I am so cooking weekends, Boys. You just can't live on takeaways. It's almost as bad as smoking."
"I think my mom moved in, Jay." Ben said, still laughing lightly.
"Vick's just looking out for us. Ain't ya?" Jay smiled at me. I nodded, giggling a little.

I woke up on the Saturday at ten. Jackson and Ben were both still asleep. I got up and, after getting changed into jeans and a top Ben had bought me, I looked in the fridge. They had gone shopping yesterday evening, a list from me in hand, so the fridge was full of useful stuff I could use, opposed to the butter and mouldy cheese left in there when I last checked. I pulled out three eggs, bacon, three medium mushrooms, two tomatoes, a packet of six sausages and the new tub of butter, putting them on the kitchen counter. I also got two tins of baked beans out and put them in a saucepan. Halfway through cooking the last egg, the smell had, most likely, drifted into the boy's bedrooms. Ben was the closest, and was the first one to come out in just his boxers, running his hand through his hair. He came over to one of the plates and went to grab a sausage, but I smacked his hand away.
"Go get dressed first, Ben." I couldn't help but smile. "And tell Jay to do the same."
By the time they both came out, it was half past ten. I had put their plates on the usually unused dining table, with glasses, knives and forks. There was a bottle of orange juice and a jug of iced water in-between the glasses, too. I was sat down, my legs crossed on the seat, sipping at my water.

"See, I told you my Mom moved in." Ben chuckled, fork in hand, stabbing at his food. I giggled, almost spitting the water I was sipping everywhere.
"Your Mom aint this good at cooking, Ben." Jackson said, chuckling and pouring some orange juice into his glass. "Thanks Vicky. This is really sweet of you."
"You guys paid for it, I just cooked it." I grinned, picking up my fork and starting with my mushrooms.
After breakfast, I sent them over to watch television. I usually wouldn't touch washing up, but I had to take the responsibility because, well, do you really think Jackson Rathbone at seventeen would wash his dishes? No, Didn't think so either. He's like other teenage boys my age. Which is kinda strange, seeing that he should be twenty six and famous. I almost forgot about that. I guess I've just been getting to know him, and I've forgotten who he actually is. I washed all the dishes and went over to join Ben and Jay on the sofa.
"Cartoons? Seriously?" I giggled.
"Nothin's wrong with a little cartoons on a Saturday mornin', Vick" Jackson chuckles, chucking a cushion at me.

Around 2 in the afternoon, I decided that it was too nice of a day to let Ben and Jackson sit around in the dark watching TV. I stood up and, with my hands on my hips for effect, I looked at them.
“We should go out. Its sunny outside, and in all honesty, at our age we shouldn’t be stuck inside this stuffy ole place.” 
“Yeah, yeah, after this” Ben said, waving his hand in dismissal at me. Jackson nudged him without looking away from the television.
“Fine, I’ll go find something to do without you both. You can have square eyes if you want, not my problem.” I shrugged, pulling on my woolly boot-y things. Heading for the door, Jackson got up and grabbed my arm gently.
”Wait for us, we’re not lettin’ you go on your own,” He smiled at me before looking over at Ben “Are we, Ben?” He must have glared because Ben nodded and grabbed the television remote, reluctantly turning it off and getting up to go. I grinned at them both and fist pumped.
”To the park… if you have one around here anywhere” I laughed. Ben chuckled lightly and Jackson just grinned, nodding.

Becca looked at me, raising her eyebrow.
”Are you okay?” She asked, watching me as I rubbed my forehead.
”Urr… I didn't schedule this visit, actually.” I laughed.
“Did somebody spike your drink, and then you passed out?” Becca said, trying not to laugh.
”Its three in the afternoon, we aren’t drinking alcohol. We’re playing football in the park. Well, we were” Becca burst out laughing.
“You got knocked out?”
”Well! I was trying to catch the ball when Ben kicked it in the air, and… yeah.” I laughed, shaking my head. “Officially the first time I've been knocked out”
”Well, good luck with that. See you when you sleep” She said, as I closed my eyes and then reopened them slowly, the sun being blocked from my eyes by three figures.
“I think she’s okay, she’s waking up. Dude, you’re an idiot”

Sat up now, Jackson sat next to me to make sure I was okay, Ben G kept giving me apologetic smiles while him and Ben J was kicking the “Soccer” ball back and forth.
“I really am fine, Jackson, you can go play if you want to.” I smiled back at Ben G yet again.
”It’s okay, Vick. I’m not letting you sit on your own, anyways.”
About three minutes later, I turned to face him and giggled.
”Hola, Jackson. Como estas?” Jay looked at me with a puzzled look, chuckling.
”Soy bueno. Como estas?”
“…Soy bueno” I nodded, laughing because I had already used my little knowledge of spanish up asking him how he was and saying hello.
“Well, that was random” He chuckled again, looking at me. We both turned to see Ben G and Ben J walking up to us, throwing the ball at Jackson’s head. Not able to catch it in time, it hit his head and bounce off in the opposite direction. He rubbed his forehead, much like I was doing about ten or twenty minutes ago.
“See, they’re perfect for each other” Ben J told Ben G. I could feel my face go hot and giggled, putting my hood up on my hoodie to hide my face.

Jackson chuckled, patting my back.
“Ignore them, Vick.”
”Trying” I laughed, still hiding my face. “Gawd, Johnson, Why’d you have to be so awkward!” I said, peeking up at him.
“Johnson?” He laughed as he plopped down."
”Well, You're Johnson and he’s Graupner. Because I can’t keep referring to you as Ben G and Ben J.” I nodded. They shrugged, saying “Fair enough” in unison.
“Right, now what?” Graupner said, pulling my hood down and chuckling. I gave him a little glare, but left the hood as it was.
“Guess the song?” Johnson suggested. OhGawd. I don't know the years of songs. Please say no, Please say no. I cringed internally when the others agreed to it, as it would “Pass some time” Dammity damn. Its okay, as long as I can just think carefully. Just do Spice girl songs or something.
“Vicky first. I wanna see if she can sing” Graupner grinned evilly at me. OhGawd. I wasn't ready.
”You wont get me singing. Ever. I don't even know what songs are around at the moment.” I admitted.

I ended up skipping my turn about six times. That was until they all jumped on me and forced me.
“I don't want to” I half laughed, half squeaked as Jay, Graupner and Johnson bundled me. “God this hurts. Please get off-a me!”
They all rolled off, laughing their pretty little heads off as I sat up, clutching my squished stomach and groaning.
“Not nice to play ruff, Boys” I said, wagging my finger at them all jokingly and laughing.
“Jay can kiss it better” Johnson teased, winking at me. I bet you he knew I’d go red! Jackson just chuckled. I pointed to my cheek.
”I’m pretty sure somebody smacked me ‘round the face at the start of your most random bundle” … What was I doing!?
“Sorry, I think that might’ve been me anyway” Jay said as he leant in to kiss my cheek softly. Butterflies exploded in my stomach, and I was pretty surprised I didn't squeal!
”I think she’s happy you did that, dude.” I heard one of the Ben’s say. Apparently I actually did squeal. Kill. Me. Now.

My best friend burps in old peoples faces. No actual word of a lie. First it was Mr Sims in CoPE (The same teacher who told me to “Be quiet or choke on your balloon and die”) and then today, she scared some poor lady in the street in town. Poor woman almost fell backwards in shock!

Anyway, Other news! I miss my mummy. Yes, I know if you've read this blog from the beginning, you’ll be thinking “But you always rant about her!?” … Don’t mean I don’t love her still. Its been what, a week? I’m seventeen! In the next five years, I will have to be thinking about permanently moving out and into my own place, or something, and I can barely cope for a week.

Rebecca and I have just had a nice hours chat, sat in the corner, where it smells like “Corner” apparently, and cat pee. Charming. We have a lovely talk about how Becca sets everything on fire, and about general topics like University and current relationships with our year at school. Then she went crazy and started singing “Wicked” songs, and now she’s downstairs making popcorn, whilst I sit in my bed, in my bedroom, with a nine year old cat sat wheezing next to me.

And now, after a nice chat about boobs, Rebecca has gone upstairs, ready to sleep. And I am pretty much on the same page. Except, I don't have to move, because I'm nice and comfy, and just kicked the cat out. Well, Goodnight, readers, I hope you have a nice day or night, where ever you may be, and I hope your foot is better soon (If you've done something to it) Love and kisses, Vicky. oxoxoxo

Last night.. and well, this morning, too, was absolutely crazy. Beccafest. Also known as Wankfest and .. something else I cannot remember because I was slightly drunkard. I had a bottle of Bacardi Breezer to myself, and then orange and vodka x2 and then Pims and sparkling water x2. It was crazzyyy. Two couples got in the bath together at one point, and I remember walking in, taking one look and thinking “whhaaat thaaa faaa!?” and then walking out again to get another drink. Becca and I were up cleaning and like six in the morning, washing chocolate cake off the floors, walls and ceilings. And then I slept until midday and woke up for tea and marmite on toast, and then a little later soup and tea. Everyone ate the popcorn… all three packets of four, and the four pack of pot noodles had gone, along with fireworks, milk and pizza. Again I say… it was crazzzyyyy. And now? Now I'm really tired and want to go to bed again. But I cant. Its a silly time to sleep. Well, G’day dear readers, type later.

 Another red light on a cold November day
I see the faces following close in a long headlight parade
to a resting place where tear-stained eyes say goodbye
I've been moving so fast I've forgotten where I'm going
I'm driving blind but the wheels of life have a beautiful way of slowing you down sometimes to catch your breath and take a second to
smile when you're not supposed to laugh
and cry when you're supposed to hold it back
and live like the sun is burning out of the sky
'cause tomorrow's too late so don't waste a day of this life

On Thursday I went to London Zoo with my psychology class to watch a talk on Phobia’s. We were hypnotized to be relaxed around spiders and then we held a tarantula. Yeah… I held this huuuuge thang here.

*Shivers* It was not too bad, but I was nervous. Yucky. I did enjoy the day though, even if I was completely out of it from all my cold medicine. I took some pictures of some animals.

View Full Album

Lets hope the link works. :)

Anyways, Monday is my Granddad’s funeral. I haven't cried about it since the Wednesday he went, but I know I will definatly cry a load at the funeral.   Tuesday I get to just sleep, and do what I please, and then Wednesday I am going to pack my suitcase and go over to Becca’s house, where I will basically be living for the next three weeks, because her mum and her mums bo--Fiancé are going away for a while.

I get my own room, and Becca and I have to survive independent living without injury. Haha. I mean, seriously, she phoned me up earlier asking what I wanted food-wise, and our shopping list is full of snack food and cereal. We’re going to do so well! ;)

And, Thursday is going to be crazy beyond belief because I’ll be the only sober and non-high person at her house, because we’re having a nice little party, if you remember me writing before, called Wankfest. LOL.

Anyway, I promise to try and keep you more updated. :)

Have a good day. ♥

Yesterday, at 7:15pm, my Granddad passed away in hospital. Seeing my Mum, my aunt, uncle and cousins cry like that was heartbreaking. It didn't even feel real because it happened so quickly. He went into Bristol’s hospital on Sunday or Monday for a bypass operation, and then Tuesday and yesterday his kidneys and lungs started to give up.

We were sat in the CICU’s waiting room and the nurse came out. None of us expected that he’d already gone. We had to wait another ten or twenty minutes before seeing him because they had to pull his tubes out. But, when we did see him, it was… I don’t even have the words to describe it. I was scared to touch him at first, and I was just stood watching everybody cry and hold his hand, kiss his forehead, stroke his hair. I just didn't know what to do. When everyone had gone, It was just Kelly and I, and she wrapped an arm around me and pulled me over to Granddad while stroking my back (Which was the nicest thing she’s actually ever done). I stroked his cheek and patted his shoulder. I didn't know what else to do. Then Christopher came in again to make sure Kelly was okay, and I watched K kiss his forehead before going to C so we could go back downstairs to Mum, who had to go have a cigarette. We went down and she was on the phone to Sam, and K told mum to tell her that she had “Done what she asked”

It looks like, even though this family is messed up, we are here for each other when its most needed. Here when its needed, and not when its wanted.

I wont be going to school today. This is the first person, someone close to me, who I have seen pass away since I was younger. I’ve tired myself out with all the sobbing, but Its nice to lay there before drifting to sleep, hearing him in my head like a crazy person I most probably am.

Granddad’s got his hat on,
Hip hip hip-o-ray.
Granddad’s got his hat on
and he’s coming out to play.

R.I.P Granddad. I’ll look after mum. xxx

I woke up at 7am, after going to bed at 2am with a huge smile plastered across my face, and I woke up ill. Typical. Bloody effing typical. I was battling with my stomach for about an hour before my mum got up and made everything better by popping me on the sofa with a glass of water, half my bed and the washing up bowl from the sink. I have yet to actually, for lack of a better term in mind, puke. I don’t think I will, in all honesty either. I just felt like I was and my stomach was hurting like the last time I remembered having a stomach bug. But no actual puking.

I feel like I’ve constantly been ill so far this year. The two weeks leading up to my psychology exam I was stressing out and panicking myself to illness, and then I got a stress cold sore –AFTER- the exam. Its not looking good for me. I think I’m going to attempt a nap now.

……………………

I wrote that yesterday. I did nap for an hour. Or at least I think I did. I went to sleep with the radio on, and woke up with it off. And then I forgot to write the rest of it, and here I am, Sunday 3pm, writing this blog instead of writing my English coursework and commentary that are due in tomorrow. I've done some editing of it today though, which is more than I've done on it for the past I don't know how man weeks. I haven't done anything on it since before Christmas, so yeah.

 

Better get to doin’ the ole coursework. Sigh.

 

My laptop has gone and decided to mix up the “£@# signs. Its okay anywhere, but on the internet. It’s crazy! But, Anyway, I thought I’d share what I found today. I was clearing out the bottom of my wardrobe, as ya do, when I came across these things in particular…

What!? A Lee Mead Badge!? Why!? LOL
And then, there were these…

My old memory books! From when I was eleven (The White one with the flower) to twelve and thirteen (The Red one) and then fifteen to sixteen (The A5 sketching and drawing book) WELL! Wasn't I an odd child. Yeah, I knew that anyway.

It seems when I was eleven I thought that if someone was “Horny” that they were horrible and had horns. Oh, How naive I was! LOL. My writing back then was abysmal. I’ll write you some of the entries, just to emphasis this fact.

“Im boered right now”

The date is 21/02/05 today and The Half Term ended So back to cruel old School again. I though I might doodle things about school

*Doodles very odd things about “crucifying” boys*

Now you know how I feel about my school. Its stupid. I HAte ALL The boyz and Laura .S. In my school! Laura Zippitt is on my back, again. Can’t She Just Shut her Face and be quiet. Id I didn’t know I whold would think shes ellies sister, jacobs sister and even worse Paulas Daughter. Emagine that!

Im having enough from Jellie and Eacob as well. Jacob calling me a tart and Ellie say “Ah, youre friends left you” Well, I did The best Thing possible, eggno not listen. If I could swear about Ellie, Jacob, Paula and Laura .S. I WOULD!

*Nice picture of a hand swearing*
This pic is what I would say to Them if I had the guts to back it up
*Nice little picture of an angry face*
This is what Paula whould look like

It is 7:40 right now. See U later.

“Bored again”

Me again.
Charllore Neil on my back now. I had my first cat fight, but with her.

*I was rather charming right here*
IS SHE A MAN OR A WOMAN?

“04/07/05”

right Then lets get up to date in This book Shall we. what to start with … oh yeah. We went on holiday to brean spent every last pennie There so not much money at the moment. Last wednesday Steph went horrible and Pushed me on the floor and down the stairs. I swear shes the devils daughter. Um. right now I am fed up with Steph. D.B <- Her inistles Devil Bitch.

“5th July 05”

Steph is on my back, AGAIN
I F**king hate her. She is a bitch. She is a beeping horrible person. She will go to hell I will go to heaven.

LOL. What a weird child. A few notes on this. That's all I managed to write in the first “Memory book”. I wrote it exactly as it was in the book, capitals in the wrong places and everything. What was with all the “On my back” … Was I giving piggy-back rides to the people I didn't like back then? What's with the constant re-using of it!? and Whoa! I was rather aggressive back then LOL.

Ive always like the part where I start to write “Ignore” as “Eggnore” and cross it out, only to replace it with “Not listen” Oh, Me as an eleven year old. Bad times. Haha. This is rather amusing though.  Here’s Memory Book 2. Just for LOL’s

“getting up to date”

Laura .b. didnt listen to me when she was with her snot faced friends. Been hanging around with Charlotte more (I still need my Urbz back) been bored out of my head

Big brothers finished. Pete won. I missing Dr Who. Billie is gone according to celebraty soup. David Tennant (Hottie) is quitting after the next season. When I tell Haley she is going to freak. Laura Zippit Hates me. I feel the same about her, oh yeah I offically have no friends. Laura B has move to cheral in a half so I never see her.

“3rd may 07”

UPDATE!!

I may not have many friends in yr9 but I have lots in yr7 and 1 in yr11. Jakie pushed me and I have sayed I will get me revenge hehe *Evil face* when we see each other we alway end up in histericks

i no i havent wrote for ages but in have loads to write now. (I think)

in the last memory book is says i had come back from brean with no money left, well the same has happened. I cant write this quick enough. I meet the new bingo caller!!!! OMG! i fancied him for 2 weeks and on the last day he hugged me + wait for it kissed me on the neck OMG!! i also went to stage fright before holiday and made loads of friends. school is better now cos every break + lunch i go to the Re stairs and meet up with Jess + Natalia. LAVA LOL

My life is officaly getting better. Yay finally. Laura sippit (I wont turn the s into a z) said she was moving to yeavil cos social services found out from mel (apparently) that her step mum had been hurting her and thats why she doesnt take her jumper off. Im going to Musarama 2 + Tup puskin nook.

Im listening to music on my PC. Im happy enough write back later p.s the date is 23?06/07 p.s p.s what does p.s mean? Hmmm im pondering LOL. SHAME LOL

And that was the end of the second memory book. On the back, it was quite amusing to find that it said “Memory book 1 now available in Vicky’s room” … LOL. Just to clear things up, this Laura S always was and always will be a compulsive liar, so her step mum never did hurt her. AND OMG.

Mike the bingo caller <3
My first big time crush. He is like… five years older than me, I think. But He’s awesome. He really is just a generally nice guy, who is quite attractive, so little ole me warmed up to him instantly. And that neck kiss. OMG. My dad was stood watching, and there I was, bright as a tomato. Good times. Haha.

So, now onto whats happening now! … Well, Now-ish.

February 22nd I think it is, I shall be living with Beccalarr for two whole weeks. And this will include being the house maid after something known as “Wankfest” … It includes no such thing, so do not worry, my friend. It is just a party with a bunch of drunk teenagers, and hopefully, no jelly cubes on the windowsill two months later this time. This is the party plan Becca and I have got going on…

Hahahaha, Like the little watermark in the bottom right-hand corner? Epic. Well, Yeah, those are my duties for the party. The sandwiches and coffee are for Becca so she don’t get too rat-arsed on me and pass out. I will inevitably be the only sober person at this party, as I’m not much of a drinker, and plus, I don’t really want to be sick, if I’m honest.

Yeah, We have to make sure the house is clean by 1pm the next day because Becca’s cleaner Shirley will be around. Yes, She’d got a cleaner. Posh ole cow, she is. Don’t know why a commoner like me’s ‘anging ‘round with ‘er kind.

I keed I keed.

But, anyways. Psychology exam is all over and done with. I’m so pleased its over with! It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. And, now I have to concentrate on getting my englush coursework and commentary doen in the week, otherwise I’m going to be killed by none other than Miss Williams. I dun wanna die because of english!

Wish me luck with my living aspirations. Until next time, Readers, I hope you enjoyed this very long entry. Gave you something to do, though, right? ;)

♥

Oh. My. Dear. Lordypops. (Haven’t said that for a while)

I finally got past that dang psychology exam of mine. Well! What a kerfuffle! The questions were pretty fair, to be honest, but that didn't help all that much. I had revised the first two questions pretty well considering, but with the third question I almost hit myself. I’ll give you a little diagram to demonstrate as to why, because I cant really think of how to explain it.

Aggression topic

First part – Revised for
Second part – Revised for
Third part – Gave up.

Guess which part had the question? Yeah… The third part. The one I hadn't even revised for because I gave up. Bad. Actual. Times.

But all is over now, and I don’t need to worry anymore. Well, that is until the results and I sit there listening to the rest of the class getting A’s and B’s, and then me with my dang U or E.  Miss Davies will be so disappointed!

A child just bought me over a cup covered in butter, and the crusts of her sammich. Yum. Just don’t get it over me, my phone or my laptop. And I just hid my phone from butter fingers and she held her hands up and was like “Where’d it go?” Haha. Oh, some children are so adorable.

The post man just came! The post man just came! … Hmph. I haven't got any post. Stoopid royal mail. It’s all okay though. I’ll be patient.

So, Tonight I’ll be heading over to my sister, Sam’s, to celebrate her 31st birthday. I may or may not be taking my Pim’s to get drunk on it with lemonade. But, right now, I really want to get a drink and some lunch. Nom. Nom. Nom.

Is it obvious that I’m in a better mood than I was before? Yeah, I was ill from stressing over that darn psychology exam. Thank goodness its over!

Until next time, my wonderful readers. Au revoir. oxoxoxoxo

Crystal ships march safely through a storm
And for a moment it felt like everything was fine
I'm fond of sleeping on the horizon
Wake me up when the half-moon rises

As they land on my shoulders,
The petals turn to dust
My arms are heavy soldiers,
Left out becoming rust

Mother nature
The weight of the world on my shoulders
With rage and force, she ends the madness
We shiver, we shudder.

That song is by Behind Sapphire. I found it on Jodelle’s (The Girl who plays Bree Tanner in Eclipse) twitter. She’s in the video, but that’s besides the point. Its a nice song. And, I commented on the YouTube video “I want to marry this song < 33” and  Behind Sapphire commented back with a heart. Hehe. Little uplifts like that.

I have two days until my psychology exam. Right now, I have no idea where it is, but I’m guessing in the hall, and I don’t know where my seat is. And, oh yeah, I haven't even finished revision. I still have the whole of aggression to do, and then i have to go over it all again to make sure I know it all for the exam. I'm so tempted to just not do aggression and focus on Relationships and Eating behaviours.

I mean, even though I have done the revision, I don’t know anything, but hopefully seeing the questions in the exam will trigger things in my head, and I can sit there for the hour and a half scribbling down anything and everything in my head.

I came home after first lesson yesterday. I sat in English feeling completely sick. I had to get up and go outside it was so bad. I think the stress of this exam is getting to me. This week will be the second week in a row I don’t get my £20 E.M.A because I haven't gone to enough lessons. But, its not my fault I’m ill.  I don’t even want to be ill. I hate it!

I’ll eat my sandwich, the one my Daddy made me because my mum is ill(er than usual) right now. He makes better sandwiches, and I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact he cuts them into triangles or not. Haha.
I will do my revision sheets after that sandwich, and I will spend the rest of the afternoon doing that, if I don't get frustrated with it and stop. But if I do, I’ll just stare at my desktop and grin like a fool to myself. Its all good

 

Better go eat, drink and be merry until I end up killing myself on Friday morning. No, I wont kill myself, I’ll just give up and curl up in bed all “Me no wanna!” and then end up having to drag myself to school for the exam. I’ll have fun, I know I will… >-<

I never knew
I never knew
that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run
when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
When everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Absolutely love this song. Over my head – The Fray. I’ve had it on repeat for the past few days. I’ve not gone to any lessons. Well, Three, but that’s not really anything, either. I’ve been a tiny bit ill on and off for the past week, but I’m just putting it down to the stressing out I’m doing over my Psychology exam next week. I’ve done revision for once though. Wanna see how much I’ve done so far? Well, Lemme go take a picture, bare with me a second though, I have to tidy my room a bit so I can spread it over the floor.

…

…

…

 

Ta-da! That’s not even half of what I have to do for Friday. Hence why I’m ill with stress, but It will all be okay as soon as It’s all over with. I just have to endure the stress and revise to make myself fell better. I still have the whole of aggression to do, not to mention go over all of it again, writing those little flash cards. This is the most revision I have ever done for any exam in my whole entire life, but I bet you that I will still get a crap grade. Oh well, Must be positive.

My parents are being really nice. I want to know how long this will last. My dad keeps bringing me things from work. As seeing he’s a builder, the stuff he’s got me are very odd.

 

Yeah, A disco ball, an alarm clock and some slippers. The Twilight actors book he got from Asda, and even though there isn't a Jackson Rathbone picture in sight, I’m thankful that I was thought of.

So, over Easter, my parents are going down to Minehead to have the weekend at my uncles new bed and breakfast. I’m not going. I decided this myself, because I’d rather stay home and have my music really loud than spend a weekend with my parents and my sister’s family at my uncles. I mean, actually, quite a lot of the family will be there, and because the whole family bloody revolves around Facebook statuses, I’d rather not go down there and be questioned and have to defend myself.

I’m going to have loud music and I’m going to run around the house naked. No, No, Okay, So I wont be running around naked. My cousin isn’t going either. I’m going to be feeding the cats and making sure he doesn’t have hot boxing sessions with his friends in our living room. I doubt he would do that but oh well, can’t ever be 100% sure with anything anymore.

Hope everything is going well for you. Not long ‘till the end of the first month in 2011. Exciting stuff! Next thing you know, It’ll be Christmas again!

*Leaves you to drool over this picture* Bye! … Oh god, Look at that tattoo…

 

According to UrbanDictionary.com, To be “Becca’d” is to be slapped in the face with a artificial penis. So, yeah, You've just been slapped in the face with an artificial penis. Fancy! You might want to go disinfect your face or something…

So, Seeing I haven’t blogged in forever, I thought I’d post a little something. Becca told It was disgraceful that I hadn't blogged in so long when we were in the library earlier, too.

Oh my, I think my bin is rebelling against me. Its been full for so long, but you know when you just can’t be bothered to change it and you just stuff more and more in until it bursts? Well, Its kind of at that point, so I pulled the bag out of the actual bin a little to put some more rubbish in it. I turned around for like a second, and I got attacked but an empty mince pie tin! It just popped out of nowhere, and it’s now at the other side of my room. It was very odd… Suppose that's what I get for having a nice collection of empty pop bottles next to it.

Becca and I sat in’t library attempting revision this afternoon. I say attempting because we were just laughing and scaring people off. I think we scared off like, ten people in total after the three hours. I was just sat there verbally abusing Becca and then making her tear up with laughter. So, I told her this story about my teacher in year five. What happened is that one of the kids in my class broke Mrs Strevens scarab beetle ornament that she got from like, Egypt or whatever. I turn around to see the teacher flicking her hair and crying. Its not exactly the funniest thing in the world, but if you just imagine it, and then a kid throwing a dictionary at her head, you might just giggle a little. Becca near enough died.

What what, in the butt? LOL. I wrote that on Becca’s arm, whereas she wrote “I’m gay. (I like women) In the ass. My ass is nice. But her ass is better--->” Hahaha. She also drew on my arm for her sociology revision, and I did a little bit of maintenance of relationships revision for psychology.

I should really tidy this room up. Its a tad on the pig sty side. And, I think I’m still home alone right now. I came home like “Where’s evuurrbody at?” But I was more like “You're complete and utter cocks” because I'm being rather abusive today. Its because I was a depressed sperm.

Okay, I’m hungry and tired, so I’ll be wandering off now to go sort the first one out. Have a nice Friday tomorrow, dear reader.  Byes! x

Last night, I dreamt I was trying to get to my bedroom, but Sam, Kelly and my Mum had torn the stairs down, and they were throwing things at me. They had also got everyone from the lower years at school to annoy the heck out of me, and make sure I couldn't use my phone to get hold of Becca. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you have to phone like, 999 or something like that, and your dream phone wont let you. You press 999, but it comes up as like 245, and if you do manage to phone 999, its not the emergency services, its a bloody catalogue ordering service. It was sort of like that, but with Becca's number.

I went to bed last night at nine o’clock. And I woke up at that time in the morning too, but I'm still tired. My dad tried to sneak a check up on me,  but I woke up hearing the creek of the floorboard outside my door. I was still half asleep, so I was just all “What?” As in, what are you doing? and he wouldn't answer me, so I asked two more times, and he answered something like “Just checking” and this lead me to think either he was being sweet, or just checking that I hadn't either run away or I don't know, killed myself? I wouldn't kill myself, even at the lowest point ever.

But anyway, the point is, yesterday, was terrible as soon as I got home. Prior to walking through the back door, my life was problem some enough, but no, My brother, sister-in-law and my mother had to make it worse for me. I know as a reader, you might not have a clue what's going on here. So here is a few things.

I got home. Yet another "conversation" about me not having a job. They don't understand that I'm struggling to keep my grades up as it is. It's constantly an issue. I don't even think they care about me still being in school. I swear they just want me to quit and get a job. Its my idiot of a mother, and my brother. They just don't shut up about it, and when I talk, they don't listen. Urgh. I mean, I'm the good one of the family. I didn't do drugs or get knocked up at 17. My mum treats me like I should've though. I've never been drunk, I've never smoked, I've never had sex, Never stolen. Am I supposed to get arrested for them to listen?

I picked up all of the psychology work I have to revise for the exam on the 28th, my ICT book and the two books for English. I took it all downstairs in an attempt to get them all to understand. Picked up the first English book and said “All of this, plus I haven't even started this yet” and my brother was like “Why not?“ in a tone of voice that was like “I bet you should have” and I looked at him and said “Because we haven't started it in lessons yet” 
But the thing is, I said something along the lines of “Look, I have to remember all of this and its hard enough as it is without a job. I wish you’d just understand that” but of course, I started to cry halfway through it. Point one from this. I don’t ever cry in front of anybody if I can help it. Point to, My fucking brother scoff-slash-laughed when I did so. As if he thought “Crying to get her own way” … It’s not like its my fault that I cry when I’m feeling helpless.

I told them about having all that psychology to remember, and my brother said something like “Yeah, I do that everyday at work.” … ITS NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING! You –HAD- to get a job at this age because you had to support your pregnant girlfriend. You weren’t doing A-levels, and if you wouldn't have got a proper job if you didn't have to. What none of them will understand, and trust me, ive tried getting this through their thick skulls, is that everybody is different. Just because other people my age can get a job and good grades at the same time, doesn't mean I can! And, then he went home with his family, and I went upstairs in tears without another word.

I phoned Rebecca in hysterical tears. You know, the ones where you can’t breathe properly because you’ve got yourself worked up. I used to be like that when I was little too, and I could never stop unless my Mum gave me a hug, but, even if I was half-expecting, or wanting, my Mum to say “Its okay, come here” and give me a hug, it didn't happen. Because she had an audience, and wanted to look like a strong parent. It took ages for Becca to calm me down. I’d like to take this quick opportunity to say that Rebecca is one of the best friends I have ever had. I love her to pieces. Thank you for being there for me. <33

I don’t know what Becca thought was happening when she answered the phone to me hyperventilating and crying like I was. I would have panicked like hell, to be completely honest. But she calmed me down enough so I could talk to her about what had happened. It made her angry. And she ranted about it all. And made me feel better. We were on the phone for 20 minutes, and then she went to have dinner. I facebooked so my brother and sister in law, and my mum preferably, could see how I felt. Then I got a text from Kelly saying “Just thought I’d tell you that you don't have to pick up Benjamin up from school on Thursdays anymore. Thank you for the times you did.” … How Childish. Basically, from my understanding of the situation that's “You cant pick him up, because we don't want to see you when we have to pick him up, and we don't want our child hearing anything unsuitable about his parents”

I’m not three. Or a bitch.

There is still, today, a fifty percent chance of me leaving this house, as its not home anymore, to go to Becca’s. Because I don’t want to be here anymore if it means being part of people who are small minded, money centred and inconsiderate enough to not even listen to their youngest family members thoughts, views and opinions. They don’t know me, so why bother Judging me? And, they need to stop telling me what to do like I was three years old. I’m seventeen. I’m a teenage HUMAN being. I can carry a conversation without getting distracted by a spec of dust, and I can put across my thoughts in structured essays if needs be… (Because I apparently cant talk to my family about what I want, and explain what it is to be me, without breaking down into tears)

If any of them were to be in my shoes for one week, they would understand. But none of them can understand. They seem to not want to. And I’m fed up with trying to explain, for them not to even listen. They always have something to say back to me, but whenever I try to say something back, its different, its not allowed, unacceptable. Do me a favour, grow up and get a mind of your fucking own instead of following for approval. I’m fed up with you how you are. You’ve hurt me and you probably are either clueless, or heartless and don’t care.