Last night, I dreamt I was trying to get to my bedroom, but Sam, Kelly and my Mum had torn the stairs down, and they were throwing things at me. They had also got everyone from the lower years at school to annoy the heck out of me, and make sure I couldn't use my phone to get hold of Becca. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you have to phone like, 999 or something like that, and your dream phone wont let you. You press 999, but it comes up as like 245, and if you do manage to phone 999, its not the emergency services, its a bloody catalogue ordering service. It was sort of like that, but with Becca's number.
I went to bed last night at nine o’clock. And I woke up at that time in the morning too, but I'm still tired. My dad tried to sneak a check up on me, but I woke up hearing the creek of the floorboard outside my door. I was still half asleep, so I was just all “What?” As in, what are you doing? and he wouldn't answer me, so I asked two more times, and he answered something like “Just checking” and this lead me to think either he was being sweet, or just checking that I hadn't either run away or I don't know, killed myself? I wouldn't kill myself, even at the lowest point ever.
But anyway, the point is, yesterday, was terrible as soon as I got home. Prior to walking through the back door, my life was problem some enough, but no, My brother, sister-in-law and my mother had to make it worse for me. I know as a reader, you might not have a clue what's going on here. So here is a few things.
I got home. Yet another "conversation" about me not having a job. They don't understand that I'm struggling to keep my grades up as it is. It's constantly an issue. I don't even think they care about me still being in school. I swear they just want me to quit and get a job. Its my idiot of a mother, and my brother. They just don't shut up about it, and when I talk, they don't listen. Urgh. I mean, I'm the good one of the family. I didn't do drugs or get knocked up at 17. My mum treats me like I should've though. I've never been drunk, I've never smoked, I've never had sex, Never stolen. Am I supposed to get arrested for them to listen?
I picked up all of the psychology work I have to revise for the exam on the 28th, my ICT book and the two books for English. I took it all downstairs in an attempt to get them all to understand. Picked up the first English book and said “All of this, plus I haven't even started this yet” and my brother was like “Why not?“ in a tone of voice that was like “I bet you should have” and I looked at him and said “Because we haven't started it in lessons yet”
But the thing is, I said something along the lines of “Look, I have to remember all of this and its hard enough as it is without a job. I wish you’d just understand that” but of course, I started to cry halfway through it. Point one from this. I don’t ever cry in front of anybody if I can help it. Point to, My fucking brother scoff-slash-laughed when I did so. As if he thought “Crying to get her own way” … It’s not like its my fault that I cry when I’m feeling helpless.
I told them about having all that psychology to remember, and my brother said something like “Yeah, I do that everyday at work.” … ITS NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING! You –HAD- to get a job at this age because you had to support your pregnant girlfriend. You weren’t doing A-levels, and if you wouldn't have got a proper job if you didn't have to. What none of them will understand, and trust me, ive tried getting this through their thick skulls, is that everybody is different. Just because other people my age can get a job and good grades at the same time, doesn't mean I can! And, then he went home with his family, and I went upstairs in tears without another word.
I phoned Rebecca in hysterical tears. You know, the ones where you can’t breathe properly because you’ve got yourself worked up. I used to be like that when I was little too, and I could never stop unless my Mum gave me a hug, but, even if I was half-expecting, or wanting, my Mum to say “Its okay, come here” and give me a hug, it didn't happen. Because she had an audience, and wanted to look like a strong parent. It took ages for Becca to calm me down. I’d like to take this quick opportunity to say that Rebecca is one of the best friends I have ever had. I love her to pieces. Thank you for being there for me. <33
I don’t know what Becca thought was happening when she answered the phone to me hyperventilating and crying like I was. I would have panicked like hell, to be completely honest. But she calmed me down enough so I could talk to her about what had happened. It made her angry. And she ranted about it all. And made me feel better. We were on the phone for 20 minutes, and then she went to have dinner. I facebooked so my brother and sister in law, and my mum preferably, could see how I felt. Then I got a text from Kelly saying “Just thought I’d tell you that you don't have to pick up Benjamin up from school on Thursdays anymore. Thank you for the times you did.” … How Childish. Basically, from my understanding of the situation that's “You cant pick him up, because we don't want to see you when we have to pick him up, and we don't want our child hearing anything unsuitable about his parents”
I’m not three. Or a bitch.
There is still, today, a fifty percent chance of me leaving this house, as its not home anymore, to go to Becca’s. Because I don’t want to be here anymore if it means being part of people who are small minded, money centred and inconsiderate enough to not even listen to their youngest family members thoughts, views and opinions. They don’t know me, so why bother Judging me? And, they need to stop telling me what to do like I was three years old. I’m seventeen. I’m a teenage HUMAN being. I can carry a conversation without getting distracted by a spec of dust, and I can put across my thoughts in structured essays if needs be… (Because I apparently cant talk to my family about what I want, and explain what it is to be me, without breaking down into tears)
If any of them were to be in my shoes for one week, they would understand. But none of them can understand. They seem to not want to. And I’m fed up with trying to explain, for them not to even listen. They always have something to say back to me, but whenever I try to say something back, its different, its not allowed, unacceptable. Do me a favour, grow up and get a mind of your fucking own instead of following for approval. I’m fed up with you how you are. You’ve hurt me and you probably are either clueless, or heartless and don’t care.
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