Here we go. Welcome to my funeral.
Without you I dont even have a pulse.
All alone, it's dark and cold.
With every move I die

Here I go
This is my confession oh
A lost cause nobody can save my soul
I am so delusional
With every move I die

I have destroyed our life,
It's gone
Payback is sick
It's all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
with every move I die

When did I become such a hyprociate
Double life, lies that you caught me in
Trust me i'm paying for it with every move I die

On the floor im just a zombie who I am is not who I wanna be
I'm such a tradegy with every move I die

I have destroyed our life,
It's gone
Payback is sick
It's all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

This is it and now your really gone this time
Never once thought i'd be in pieces left behind

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

Watch your step, love is broken
I am every tear you cry
Save your breath, your heart has spoken
You already have my life

It seems unfair to me that time changes everything. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. No matter how hard you try, change is inevitable. I wont accept it. I never will. In some cases, things change for the worse, but then change to be the best thing in your life. Thats an acceptable change, I guess, because, after all, you have to learn from mistakes made by yourself and others. Thats just how the world is. You’re only human. No one can be perfect.

For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that's barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love

I can home today from school and went straight on my laptop to my Twitter account. I checked my @Replies and began to read. My eyes began to water at the message I had received.

Seann - @vickyvictoria10 it's raining and I wish u were here for a sleepover. Rude Boy is playing on the radio,and there's nothing I want more than to be able to talk with you again while you prance around to show me your house, then read Catch Me and bug you to reply to my review,exchange voice recordings with you. .all I really want to say is that I miss you. So much. It hurts.

I cant find the words to tell you how much I miss you too, Seann. Id gladly spend hours making up some word to tell you how much I miss you, but Im not good with neologism’s. I know it hurts for you. It hurts for me too. It seems like ages ago when I first found your story on FanFiction. You had already written 42 chapters at that point. My first review was on the fifth chapter telling you that I was going to continue reading. And I did. That was the 16th February 2010. Later that day, I sent you this review.

Phew, After 4 straight hours of reading from the very start, Im here at the newest chapter ! You really dont know how much i love this story. Its made me laugh, Cry, smile and go "Aw" countless numbers of times. Your an amazing writer, dont let anybody tell you otherwise. I cant wait for the next installments and i will be reading everyday. Alice and Jasper forever ... in holy matrimony ... in seven years anyway, haha. Im on the edge of my seat, even if i AM sat on the floor. Haha. Ly lots for writing all of this !

Love Alice-oxox

X

That was the begining. And here we are. You, Louise and I. Missing each other. Hopefully you will get a new laptop soon. Then you can update your blog, fanfictions and Facebook like you used to. And dont forget our MSN chats. I miss your laughter on the speakers. Time will bring us all together again, just like it took us apart. I know it will.

Another day, another sunrise
Washing over everything
In its time, love will be mine
The beauty and the tragedy

Just thought I'd have a little note before my actual update. For anyone wondering, all of the pictures I use for my posts are taken by me with my camera phone. Only one or two of the pictures are off the internet, and I try not to use them too often. As you can probally tell from my pictures, I am pretty amazed by the sky. Clouds and Sunsets are my favourite thing to look at by far, along with flowers and rivers. This picture is me and my beyond sexy yellow outfit on Brean sands Beach, which is by weston-super-mare. I dont know how old I was, but Ill take a guess of about seven or eight. :)

Okay, Im off to write my update :P

x

Everyone has the rights to be seen and heard right? Here are a few people's things that deserve a second glance -

http://twicandy.blogspot.com/

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910808/1/Moulin_rouge_ending_rewritten

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5638316/1/It_Makes_You_Human

Ill add more as I find 'em ;)

xxxx

@Seannishere Posting a twitter poem for @vickyvictoria10 - will be made on the spot.

Music Box - By Seann Pangilinan

Magic,magic,the box sang along. Enchanted music, the notes softly weaved.
A princess danced in tune with the song. Minutes later, her only audience would leave.
The princess frowned and sat on her heels. She took off her shoes with their pink ribbons dangling.
Nobody would know how she really feels. Nobody would see when the tears were falling.
Behind the door,a girl was watching.Her eyes were set on the one who was crying.
The door creaked open,and the princess stood.And ever so quickly,she faked a smile,like she should.
The girl entered, her head on her elbows. Wondering what might have caused the princess's deep sorrow.
She turned the plastic key,the music played. And like nothing happened, the princess swayed.
The girl spoke up,in a clear voice,she asked. ''Why are you pretending to be happy for us?''
The princess smiled,and fell down her knees.Blinking back the tears,she blew the girl a kiss.
The girl just nodded,and farewell,she waved.Beneath the thick brick wall,she started to wail.
The princess was left lonely inside her music box. She was feeling forgotten,it was love that she lacks.

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Shortly after I read this poem, one thing lead to the other and I was left with tears in my eyes. If anyone ever tells you life is simple, dont believe them. Life is a couple of million rivers that flow into each other at some point. Each river starts at their highest point and flow down from there. Some parts of the river are dry, some are narrow, but in the they always end up flowing into the sea.

This post popped into my head around lunch time today while I was walking home for my lunch. I had just been in school for psychology and had two hours before my next lesson. Listening to Trading Yesterday songs on my phone, my mind started to wander as I dawdled home. I was thinking about the nice moments in life. I saw a garden full of different types of flowers and they were all different colours. In my head, I started to put together a little list of all the smells that made me smile like freshly mown grass or the breeze in the spring. There are a few I came up with. Seaside air, the smell of the air when walking past a pub in the summer, the air at night especially after rain. I was thinking about these and then the strangest thing happened. As I crossed the road I got this strong perfume smell. No one was around so I was confused. It smelt just like my nana’s perfume. This wasnt the first time I had randomly smelt her perfume. My nana died a few years ago because of this sort of liver disease. The immune system in her body had started to fight against itself. I dont exactly believe the whole angel or ghost thing fully, but you never know, right?

Besides that, todays weather was good. I was pretty tired and still am, but its okay because tomorrow is friday and friday’s only mean one lesson at 12:10pm. Seeing that I havent done the homework for that lesson, however.....
Tomorrow night Im going to Pizza hut and to the Cinema which is good because I’ve been craving salted popcorn for about a week now. Well, that was my day. It was normal but good. Roll on block release !!!

xxx

Summer !? Are we there yet !?


My weekend was spent in the garden with my laptop, extenstion lead and USB stick. I still have rather alot of work to do right now but I dont really care. Sitting under the setting sun and listening to radio one’s chart show all alone just reminds me that I really am just that...alone. My parents are indoors watching television while the weather outside is the best it’s been all year. Throwing away a chance, I guess. Tuesday, I have to go back to school. I thank school for setting me a routine because all ive done over this half term is sit around doing bugger all, but on the other hand, it just stress’s me out too much. I swear im going to be just as grey haired as the head teacher.... although he is ginger one day and grey the next, so maybe I wont.

Music is my friend. Silence just helps my over-active imagination. Its not a good thing, I tend to start worrying. I never used to listen to much music when I was younger. I only really got into the charts music when I went into year 11 if im honest, the last year of compulsary school. Before that I was all.... I dont know, but the music taste I had wasnt exactly in fashion with people my age. I listen to the charts a lot now.

Okay, So I’ll have to blog later I guess. A wasp is getting to close for comfort and I just got handed a bowl of cheesey chips. Living life in the moment is so much better !!

I looked for almost an hour for a Dandilion. I just couldnt find one anywhere. The closest I could find was a daffodil. It doesnt mean anything though. I guess the council cut the grass yesterday afternoon. The smile on my face is fake. I think my eyes tell the truth of how im really feeling. That might just be my opinion though.

For some strange reason, I just want a hug from my brother. The last time I felt like this was when my cat died. I was so upset, I just called Chrissy and he drove over just for a hug. I wish I could do that now, but its nearly 11pm and none of my family know much about whats happening at the moment. I tell my mum things, but rarely about me.

I remember a little song my brother used to say for a joke. I recited it over and over when I was little in hope of remembering and to this day I remember it. Its only short, and its pretty random, but it makes me remember the simplier days when I was small and didnt have a care in the world.

Nobody loves me, Everybody hates me. Im gunna eat some worms. Big ones, small ones, fat ones, thin ones, Im gunna eat some worms.

All the dandilions are gone. They were there this morning, bright and bold. I just went out to find them, so I could talk to them, not even an hour after the most important one left for maybe the last time, but they were no where to be found. I found one, but it was withered and torn. I didnt want to pick it and take it home. I just left it. Maybe I should have picked it and brought it with me. I could have tried to make it better, even though everyone would tell me its gone. I walked past them this morning, smiling about them being there, and now that the sun has gone down, they’ve disappeared. Ill go back out and pick the withered dandilion up. Bring it back and and maybe with luck, make its life a little more bearable. I would whisper goodbye, but I would ignore it and demand that everything be alright. In my heart, I will hold on to the hope that everything will be okay.

My dandilion will stay with me forever. No one can take it away from me. Not even the dandilion itself.

Jackson .... Rathbone ...... *Tries to breathe*

He knows me tooooo well. I couldn't help but giggle from crazy fan girl as well as "Omg, this dude is actually flipping hilarious!" If having his pants is a criminal offence, then handcuff me right now and get over with, because I have both!! Mwahaha.

He was all ... Sexy !! He winked at me !! *Squeals*

"Eh, I have a pair... thats all I need ;)"

Okay, So I have to get off my procrastinating butt and do something. *sighs* Goodbye for now, Jackson.

I LOVE YOOUU !!!

I had a dream about a rabbit last night. I was around seven years old again and I was hugging and holding onto this brown rabbit for dear life. Then, I lost it. I went running around the house and the back garden trying to find it before it escaped. I came up to a pond in the corner of the garden where there were frogs and birds. There were two colourful king-fishers, but seeing I have no idea what they look like, it was just a fluffy black bird with two beautiful blue feathers at the back like a peacocks. Then there was a flamingo. I had a fight with it. It had a long beak and I tried to keep it shut but it kept biting me. Then I woke up.

I realise that I knew the rabbit. It was my rabbit. When I was little, my sister bought me one. I remember walking back from the pet shop and trying to name it. I was trying so hard to remember the name of the rabbit from Bambi, but at the time I just couldn’t remember. I ended up naming him Chino. I don’t even know where it came from. I remember my sister being there, but I cant remember who was holding the box. I wasnt allowed to Chino’s name.

Chino died one bank holiday monday a few years later. I found him in his hutch with a huge chunk of him missing. My dad told me it was either a rat or a fox. We buried him a little while later. Chino was the best rabbit you could of had. He bit anyone, exept me. My brother has a scar on his hand somewhere from a bite. Chino spent his days rolling a flowerpot around. I always used to get dandilion leaves and feed them to him. His fur was soft and fluffy. I loved that rabbit, but I did take him for granted. It really is true that you dont realise what you have until its gone. I still have his leg tag in a pot.

She was given the world so much that she couldn't see,
And she needed someone to show her who she could be.
She tried to survive wearing her heart on her sleeve,
But I needed you to believe.

She was scared of it all,
watching from far away.
And she was given a role,
never knew just when to play

And she tried to survive
Living her life on her own
Always afraid of the throne
But you've given me strength to find hope.

She was scared, unprepared
And lost in the dark, falling apart
I can survive with you by my side
We're gonna be alright,
This is what happens when two worlds collide

You had your dreams, I had mine
You had your fears, I was fine
It showed me what I couldn't find
When two different worlds collide

Lonely finds me sometimes. One day..... You will come.

Maybe I was just oblivious to all the things that were actually happening. Maybe I was too carefree. Maybe my poker face started to fool even me after a while. There are so many things bothering me that I just kind of forget about. My life doesn’t upset me as such, however. It just utterly bores me out of my head.

- Fueding with the family across the street for five years.
As an eleven year old, I wrote the mother a letter. Her two children were bullying me and I wasn’t too happy about it. When she wrote a letter back to me, it was horrible. To this day it still amuses me to think she thought it was acceptable to write what she did to me. Hence why I still have the letter stashed away somewhere, even if it was my mothers idea to keep it.

- I ran away once.
It was a small thing, I was being childish. I ran away to a friends house, which a good half an hour walk. It was dark as well. My friends mum convinced me to phone my mum up and my dad came to pick me up. I dont think she really ever realised that I had actually ran away.

- My Family.

Dad,
Car journeys are silent. I feel slightly hurt everytime I hug you and you just ask me what I want. You works constantly and I can’t even remember the last time we sat down and talked to each other for more than 2 minutes.

Mum,
You sleep, eat, smoke, drink tea, read books, watch television and play Facebook games. How can I not worry about you?

Christopher and Samantha,
Forget about Kelly for once. You’re brother and sister. Can you both just not get along properly? Forgive each other about all those little things. They were silly mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Sammy may not have been there for us for a while, Chrissy, and you may have seen how everything hurt mum, but she is here now. I admit things are so much better than they used to be, but I still think something else can be done. I still feel something in the air that just isnt quite right.

Victoria,
You have so many things you regret and try to forget. You may feel bad about these things and you may be the only one that knows about them, but maybe It’s a part of growing up. Mum’s right, you know. You are smart. Do you feel as if you need to prove it to her? You keep telling people that mistakes are something everyone makes, that the past is in the past and to be forgotten. Why don’t you listen to yourself? You care about others more than youself, but recently you’ve been thinking just a little more about yourself. You deserve so much more than what you get. You may think that leaving everything to the last minute is a bad thing and that it wont get you anywhere, but it’s who you are. You really think you have changed a lot since last year, and maybe thats true, but the more important question you have to answer is if you changed for the better. Maybe once you know that you will feel better about things.

-School
After finishing school last July, I decided to go back to better more qualifications. A-levels are far too hard for me. English literature and language is the best though. Psychology and IT Btec are too much for me to handle. I know I just have to keep going though.

-Job
I need one. Full stop. My mum and brother are always pestering me about it. I do know I need a job and everything. Its not like I enjoy sitting around doing nothing.


Open up my eyes to dreams that should have died. I was made for more than this

Dear Mother.

I am writing to inform you on your absolute ridiculousness, if that is even a word. I sincerly hope you dont think it is mere coincidence that everytime my brother touches a computer system attempting to ‘fix it’ the problem gets worse.

Case 1: My old Desktop.
Remember when I had that old desktop in my room? It was going a little slow and so you asked him to sort something out. After waiting up all night for a virus scan to do its thing, I turned it off. When I turned it on the next morning, nothing. Later we discovered the hard drive was whiped.

Case 2: Your laptop.
When that pop up told you that you needed to install something, you declined it, but it kept coming back. So what does he do? He installs it. Well done. I applaude him for wasting two hours of my time attempting to get rid of the malware that wouldnt allow you to go on any site, claiming even google to be a dangerous place to go.

Do I really need to remind you about these things? You still think because he is older than me that he knows more about computers. Im the flipping one doing the IT course at school. Sometimes I really hate being the youngest. You really still think im a child don’t you? I feel like you don’t listen to me sometimes. When I got home today and saw him on the computer, you asked me if there was anything of mine that could be gotten rid of. I merely stated “No comment on the situation” and hoped you would remember. Instead you asked me what I meant. So I asked “Really?” and followed with” He’s touching the laptop. You know what happens next” before walking upstairs, nonetheless to hear you ask my dad what was the matter. As if he would know, the drive home was silent. I tried to talk to him, but he was non-responsive so I gave up and let my mind wander.

You didn’t even ask me how my day was.

Love from your doubtful daugher.

Today I went to see ‘Remember Me’ with Besty Becca. I laughed and I cried. It was not ‘Lame’. But other than that, today I realised my life is way too mundane for me anymore. I do the same thing most days and I live like a zombie doing things for other people. Im sick and tired off being yelled at to get a job or to get better grades. I’ve always said that the rest of our family did fine without good grades and that I would do fine as well, but now I have decent GCSE grades, Im taking A-levels that I most probably will never need to use again. Im always worring about getting essays in on time and about revising for an up coming exam, as i am now. I just want to get out of town for a while. I’ve lived the same way in the same house for my whole life, and this girl wants ..... needs a change before she goes out of her mind. How do I do that though?

I hate to bring a psychology title to this all, but there are little things in life that just makes me smile. I had a subway today. Om nom nom. Tomorrow Im cinema'ing and then thursday Im pizza hut and Cinema'ing again. But I still have a lot of work to do, and Im worrying. *Sigh* Life is complicated sometimes.

Look at her! Just look at her. Isn't she magnificant!? This girl right here has been there from the start. At 11 years old, she hated me. She thought I was stuck up and horrible. But she blamed it on the people I hung around with, which I agree completly with. We became better friends at 15 years old, when we were in the same art class. Since then, we’ve had our laughs. Only once have we had a fall out. We became even closer in recent months, going to the cinema together, shopping and going to town for subway. Ive never had a friend like that. Thats why she is special to me. Every now and then I read through my leavers book and laugh at the things she wrote.

“If I can have a BoMo, you can too *Bad American accent*”
“Dont get pig flu... Have a nice life”

Or something along those crazy lines. She recently lost my cards! She is brilliant at art, and is a great writer. Her coursework was awesome. Recently, She has been talking like a chav, or atleast trying to. She’s all “Pass the paper, babe.” I think it became too much for me to handle when she influenced me while in subway. It was so awkward.

“Would you like salad?”
“Yes please.....*Glances at Becca* babe.”

I hope she never makes me do that again. A few weeks back, I phoned her up and her phone decided to answer itself. I was very strange and just listened to what she was saying. It was hilarious on the monday when I was all “So, how was the playdough with the nephew?” Her face was priceless.

There is also the whole ‘awesome point’ concept. I currently have over a million for being so awesome. I poked a teachers bald spot, because thats how cool we are. Rebecca is awesome,Thats why shes MY best friend..... and not yours. ;)

“*Holds phone to ear* Hello, 999? Someones head needs deflating.....It's a bit ....big.....”
Love youuuuu Becca. x

To be a slug would be a mundane life. You would slide along slowly getting gravel and dirt on your belly just to get to the next cabbage patch. Your life would be so miserable but you couldn’t cry because your face would melt. That life would be so horrible, so this is one of the many reasons why my life is good. Random, I know, but slugs have lives too, y’know !?

One day, I’ll buy you your own star just because I know how much that would make you smile.
One day, I’ll buy you everything you want and know that you’ll still love me if I hadn’t.
One day, I’ll find some way to have a dinosaur be named after you, just because we all know that ‘Rawr’ means I love you.
One day, I can hug you and tell you everything will be okay, believing you are special in every single way.
One day, I’ll see you smile and I’ll smile with you.
One day, I’ll be able to laugh when you laugh, cry when you cry.
One day, I’ll even cry with laughing too much with you.

You’re the smirk on my face when I remember.
You’re the giggle dieing to escape from me everytime I remember.
You’re the ones with me all the time like a guardian angel, even if you don’t know it.
You’re the ones that makes me smile and remember that life isn’t so bad.
You’re the special people that make my life.

Not a storm cloud in the sky or a painful goodbye,
Nor a rainbow too far or a fading star,
You’re here when I need it, if im in a seeminly bottomless pit,
Right by my side, I will be shining with pride.

Mahal Kita
Forever
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