Handle with care.

I was a heavy heart to carry, my beloved was weighed down. My arms around his neck, my fingers laced a crown. I was a heavy heart to carry, but he never let me down, and when he held me in his arms, my feet never touched the ground. Im so heavy, heavy in your arms.

Why can the main character in books always tell how someone is feeling just by looking at their eyes or something. Ive tried doing that. I cannot do that! I guess maybe I dont take much notice of things like that though. Am I supposed to be able to do that? Maybe I can, but its natural, so I dont notice it. Or, Im just too caught up in my own little bubble sometimes that I dont notice. Right now, my bubble is foggy inside, like there's a dark cloud forming over my head. I dont know why, but I started to think about it when Becca Msn'd me last night asking if I was okay.

Rebecca: Are you okay?
Vicky: ...Yeah, why?
Rebecca: Becuase i just read your blog.
and that doesn't sound okay to me.
Vicky: Oooohh.. Oh, yeah, Im cool
Rebecca: ......
Vicky: Really, I am fine
Rebecca: ......
Vicky: Late night tv is crap (Baring in mind it was like, midnight)
Rebecca: Vicky.
Vicky: Im fine!
Rebecca: or..
Vicky: or?
Rebecca: Or you're sad and you're hiding it like you always do.
Vicky: Or, Im not okay, but I have no idea why im not okay... but Im fine, dont worry.
Rebecca: You know i'm here for you don't you?
If you ever need to talk to me just ring me.
even if you don't know why.
Vicky: I dont know why Im like this though. =/
Rebecca: well then you can bawl down the phone at me and then sit in silence.
I don't want to be all depressed on your own. Whats the point in having a best friend if you can't ring them up when you're sad?


And thats why my best friends are better than yours. Just saying -Smug look-

Becca just knows. She knows all, she see's all.

I really do always say Im fine. Even when im not. Its like, anyone can ask me "How are you today?" and my answer will always be "Im cool/okay/fine ... How 'bout you?" because I dont like talking about myself. Maybe. I dont know. Maybe I dont like talking about myself much because im surrounded by people (Mainly my mum and my sister-in-law) who are always talking about themselves. I know what it feels like to have to sit there listening to someone slag someone else off about such petty things. My mum will sit there complaining about my sister-in-law and then the convo will end up somewhere else, like how she's aching, and how she needs more fags or milk. My mothers like is a sad existance. I do blog rant about her too much, but thats the life of a teenage girl, right? Not getting along with the parents. My dad's fine though, I couldnt ask for a better dad. He was away for my birthday, but when he came back, he bought me some beautiful flowers and cooked me my dinner. I know its not much, but it was one of the best things I got for my birthday, even if it was a day late. He's not around often, because he's always working so we can pay the bills and stuff. He's 54 (I think =/) next month, and he's getting tired. My mum, however, hasnt worked for over 10 years because she has this fibremyalga or however its spelt. It just means the mustles ache all the time. She complains at me for getting a job, but the second I tell her she should get a job she just shouts at me and says that "I should know she cant work" and I always tell her that they could easily find her a job. What I find funny is that she says she "couldn't work at a till because of the buttons and her fingers" when she uses her aching fingers all day to play facebook games on the laptop.

Did I ever tell you that one time, my mother wouldnt let me write history coursework because she was too busy playing card games on the laptop? She was always telling me that I could do it later, because I had ages. I ended up doing it the night before. Maybe I should just give up trying with my mum. She yells at me for yelling at her (?) and I yell at her for yelling at me. Its like, are you actually serious? My mum is obviously depressed, and yeah I get that, because you kind of would be with such a sad excuse for a life that she has, especially when she complains about the phone ringing all the time because she knows its Kelly wanting to come over or something. Compared to my mum, I dont think Kelly is all that bad, if im honest. Yes, she's a bit of an idiot for getting a puppy when she has a baby, a 4 year old and an 8 year old, but its her choice in the end, right? Atleast Kelly cooks every day, walks to the shops, walks the kids to school, actually, you know, gets outside the house without climbing into a car.

Its my mum. Its not Kelly. Its not Sam. Its not Christopher. Well, to a degree, it is, but really, its my mum, isnt it? Maybe it really is. See, My brother, C, and my sister, S, have been in some slight argument for the past 8 or 9 years, or something like that. Its so much better now, because they actually talk to each other and dont end up shouting, but it used to be so bad, they were really petty. They always used to complain to my mum if one of them visited on the others "day" as if they had the right to come on one day and not the others. I dont know what its actually about, but I think it might be because of S and the whole 13-20 (?) disappearance act she kept doing. I dont want to talk about it here, because its really a personal family thing, but Ill tell you some things so you understand, I guess. S, at 13, met a guy, 19. Lets just say he wasnt a nice guy. S ran away alot, bunked off of school, and forced my mum to put her up for foster care and whatnot several times. Things got to my mum I guess, as it would, but I think C saw what S did to mum and hated her for it. And now he's told S what he thinks of her, and it caused a big bust up that little ole me, age 8-12, was stuck in the middle of, confused about who to side with, what to do and who to talk to.

I remember sitting in the living room once years ago, listening to C and K slagging off S and I just snapped. I started yelling at them to shut up and I think I begged them just to stop. I did end up crying, but no body hugged me. I felt like the bad guy trying to make it stop, when In all reality, I was just a kid who wanted everyone to kiss and make up. Younger me was bad with crying. I used to get myself worked up so much, If nobody calmed me down, Id start hyperventalating. I hated crying, and I still do. I get angry with myself when I cry, which makes me worse. But the problem is, My mum will still sit with S now, slagging off K. A few months ago, I was looking at S's Iphone and I checked her emails, because Im a rebel, obviously. I found some old ones that C had sent her during the short time where S, C and K were trying to sort things out by getting things out in the open. I started to read it, and had to go off because I didnt want S to see me reading them. But the first thing I noticed, was not the fact C was yelling about what S had done to mum, but his spelling and grammar. Its was terrible!! Trust me, right?

And Im going to go off on another Mum rant. My blog posts these days are all about the bad sides of my mum arent they? I will do a post about the good things sometime, but it may be short and it make take a while to sit and thing about them. She does not know how to treat me, I swear. She complains about almost everything I do. Its because she hasnt had a normal child. Lolz. My sister did... all that shizz, and my brother was a lazy git who never went to school. Okay, so he didnt go to school because he was bullied, and I guess he's sensitive, but so was I when I was 11-14 and getting bullied alot. He didnt go to his exams in the end, so he has no qualifications, and my sister was so smart and talented, but she wasted her oppurtunity. She didnt get any qualifications either. And here I am, decent-ish GCSE's and a place in Sixth form, doing A-levels, and my mums just... I dont even know! Its like, she keeps complaining about me not having a job, but she tried getting me to take an apprentiship, where I would get paid, but I would have to quit sixth form. The apprentiship was in retail, and yes, It would have meant I would have ended up stacking shelves, and then making other people stack my stores shelves. But, I dont want to do that, because thats what my mum did for years.

So, maybe my mum just doesnt know how to handle anything in life. She cant handle babies, toddlers, teenagers, adults, herself, a job, cooking meals everyday, cleaning, ironing atleast twice a week, quitting smoking to save her life. If she cant handle herself, how can she be trusted to handle me, too?

Are you strong enough to stand protecting both your heart and mine?

#RandomFact My new phrases are apparently "Oh my lordy pops" and "(Something) is the shizz-nizz"... Im just too cool for you ;)