Last week was an emotional rollercoaster. Nobody bothered to mention that the oven had broken (it wouldn't heat up) and so I tried to rustle up all the defrost rolls I could (because nobody could be smart and do it for me ahead of time)
I did what I could for about an hour until Liam came in, and then he comes out and tells me to box things up because he was going to take me to Old Town to bake using their ovens. I freaked out. I started to box things up but I was shaking and trying not to cry. I was having an anxiety attack and I was worrying about being at a different store, in a different place with different people and I pure panicked. I tried talking to my manager twice. TWICE! He’s too busy staring at his computer and me “standing there won’t make me get it done any faster”

Alright. Whatever. I’ll go try to calm my nerves as this anxiety attack rips me to shreds. Then I clean up in the tea room for me to be told by my assistant manager that my manager is ready to go now.

So I ball my eyes out.

He tells me to calm down and I explain to him that I don’t think I can do it. So he gets the manager back and he starts getting really irate with me.

"I know you don’t care but I’m having a panic attack right now and I don’t think I can do this"

"I do care. It’s only another store."

"it’s not just another store."

"It’s just 2 minutes"

"It’s NOT JUST 2 minutes. You don’t want to understand or care so I’m not gunna win here."

And so he says “Get in the car or go home”

So I grabbed my stuff and walked out in tears.

I really hate anxiety attacks. This may seem like something small to other people but to me it was a big deal and it had me shaking and on the verge of tears, and feeling sick to the stomach.

So yeah, I walked out of work last Monday. Spent the day with Zoey trying to calm down. We got coffee and then went to Chiquito’s for (the BEST) nachos and wraps, talked about our problems and thoughts about everything and anything and headed back to mine to get my mum to make me a doctors appointment. Zoey stuck with me for the rest of the day too, sitting in the doctors waiting with me, even came in with me (And said after that hearing me say the things I said to the doctor made her want to cry.) And then I got my lovely Citolapram 10mg tablets for my anxiety (And also they're for depression but lets just ignore that fact) before filling in a form and handing it into work to say I was off for the rest of the week.

And boy was it time that I needed. Three days it took me to stop feeling out of it and not myself. I didnt feel like smiling or doing anything. Zoey was really supportive the whole time, and I’m so glad I have her as a friend. I dont know what I would have done without her last week. I was on a really low point and I didnt feel like I could really talk to anyone about anything, but seeing as Zoey knows mostly everything going on in my life, it was helpful for her to be there. and in return, I’m trying my best to be there for her, too, while she has these two weeks off for her depression which she finally went to the doctors about following my little adventure. She’s been suffering with depression for as long as I remember though, so I’m glad she’s going to try to sort it out.

Anyway, I went back to work yesterday and well, the bakery was a pig sty. It was a disgrace. Luckily I was able to sort it out within the first day. I told Liam I was disappointed and he turned around like “Well, thats like saying waters wet” so yeah, fucking thanks. Anyway, I’m getting better. Thursday last week was the turning point I believe, after going to talk to liam about what had happened and why (because he was confused, but he actually said sorry!) and then I got home and got on xbox with Misa to see the new minecraft update, and she made me smile and laugh for the first time that week. It was definitely the biggest help for me. And a little later we were on skype for a bit talking and I feel like I could just sit on skype for hours with her not saying anything and I would be happy.

Less than 6 months and I’ll be back with my favourite people in my favourite place. :3 Handing in the holiday form in the morning. I cant wait. Thing’s will be fine. One anxiety attack cant pull me down. I’m stronger than my mental illness.

Until I write again,

BUH-BYE xxx

 

Work has me a little frustrated and very exhausted these past couple weeks I've been back. They keep asking me to work my only day off (Which is Sundays) and when I say no, it takes another member of staff stepping in to back me up so that I’m actually listened to. Its really getting tiring. Last week I was made to work from 6am – 12noon on Thursday because of some big visit that never even ended up happening, and then on Friday the manager made me stay until 2;30pm (against my will might I add) because “the delivery will turn up if you leave now, guaranteed”

He said that for an hour and a half and was making constant phone calls to see where it was because he couldn't be bothered to get of his office chair to put away anything when the delivery did manage to get there. Saturday I left at 11am because I was tired as hell, only to get home and tidy a little because my sister, niece and nephew were here cleaning the house top to bottom for my mother. (Who was paying them a fair amount of money)
I think maybe she was getting depressed with the state of the house (and never told me, but told my sister because they always tell each other things on their weekly visit) and so she offered to clean it for my mum to help make her feel better. But this of course is only my theory, but I know what my mother is like so it most likely is the case.

Anyway, now that all that complaining is out of the way, I can focus on the better things. Like the fact that I have £50 spending left and get paid next Friday (But of course I am saving £300 up which is why its good, because I am able to save money like a pro now and I’m an actual adult who can actually budget and spend wisely)

On another negative however, next week I have to work Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday Saturday but on Saturday we have a lovely stock take to do with only like… 6 or 7 of us because a bunch of people are off on holiday. Which means I work from 6am-12/1pm and then go back to work at 3pm to god knows when counting stock. I’ll just have to take a loooong ass time doing my own stock and hope I don't get stuck counting the sweets again like both the other times.

Other than that, I’m pretty content at the moment. Tired, missing Misa, but feeling patient and content for the time being. Its the third week of being home. 6 months until I can go back, and I have to write a letter requesting 3 weeks off if I am to have 3 weeks in september. So that should be fun to sort out. I really really would love 3 weeks, because 2 isnt enough really. Not when two days are full travel days anyway. I just want more time with my closest friends. Theyre like… soul family if that even makes any sense. Like if I could pick family, it would be them. I love them so damn much, I am the luckiest person to have been able to meet these people and grow so close to them.

But, I am growing tired as hell again after a long ass day at work. Its only 8pm or so, so this really sucks, but I will say goodnight now, I hope you, dearest reader, had a wonderful day, and I will talk to you next time.

BUH-BYE <3

 

Wasn’t it just an amazing adventure?

It took me a while to get around to packing for the trip, but once I was in that car on the way to the airport the excitement that had been bubbling in my stomach for weeks finally took hold of me. I was going back to Knoxville, TN! I’ll tell you this though, Washington Airport must love me. My first flight from London to Washington was late since we had sat on the runway for a good 40 minutes so when I hit customs I was already running behind, but to top it off the Visa machine thing wasn't working so the line of like 200 people had to fill in forms to get through customs. Which took even longer than it should have because they had run out of the English forms and only had Spanish or German and had to sit down with everyone to show them where to fill in what. Anyway, its safe to say I missed my flight out to Knoxville, which was heart-breaking and terrifying, but I had help from Carlos, a nice United spokesperson who helped me book a flight for lunch time the next day. I wasn't too happy about having to stay and sleep in an airport lounge over night, but I didn't have a choice so I put on my brave face and found a comfy (Well, comfy as it could be) corner with an outlet to charge my iPad. Thank goodness that Washington has unlimited free wi-fi because I don't know what I would have done for the 20 or so hours I was stuck in that corner.

I was so tired after this ordeal (And pretty damn hungry after not eating for 24 hours plus) so as soon as I got to Knoxville I clinged to Misa for a little bit in the airport before we went to find my luggage with Tae and Tommy. I'm so glad my luggage didn't get misplaced, It would have been the icing on the cake. My zombie self was taken to get soup at Panera bread.. or whatever it was called, and it was pretty damn tasty, but I couldn't eat the bread bowl the soup came in because my stomach had shrunk. When we got back to the house I was pretty much in and out of consciousness for hours in the living room. I remember waking up and seeing Will was home and so I got up and hugged him and then I got taken to my room so I could officially pass out. I believe I slept really well even after my in and out nap time. Monday was Wills Birthday so we chilled for the day and then in the evening we had Tae babysit Chelsea so the three of us could go out to Downtown Knoxville to go to a place called The Melting Pot.

It was a three course fondue meal and it was amaze balls. The first was this picture, where they had melted cheese in front of us on the hot plate and you have bread, apples and vegetables to dip into the cheese. Then after, they replaced the cheese with some seasoned oil and gave us plates of different meats and fish and we cooked each bit in the oil for ourselves. Then for desert we had chocolate with some sort of alcohol in it and a plate of different fruit and cake and cheesecake and it was an amazing experience to say the least. That night was pretty amazing, albeit a little cold, but Will was a gentlemen and gave me his jacket for the short walk to the car. We ended up getting home, getting into our PJs and we all fell asleep in their bed. It was an amazing first proper day back in the US with my best friends.

I have a bunch of pictures of food I ate and I bought some really cool things home (Like freaking bacon salt! BACON SALT) It snowed on Valentines day and Will got Misa and I both a bouquet of flowers.

Aren't my American friends just so precious and amazing!? Also, on the second week we kidnapped Au’umn (Autumn) for a few days and a bunch of us played cards against humanity. When I say a bunch of us, I mean a bunch of us. There was Misa, Will and I, Autumn, Tae and Tommy and James and Melanie. It was hilarious and amazing and I loved that night.

We got drunk too, and I was pretty hyper on Mountain Dew before I started drinking so I was pretty much crazy on a slight amount of Smirnoff. But I had to stop because I got all blotchy. I ate chicken and Autumn and I climbed into Chelsea’s cardboard playhouse. It was highly amusing, that's for sure.

But sadly, I had to leave and its now been a week and a day since I’ve been back in the UK.

Its back to work for me, and I’ve been pretty much trying to settle back in but I miss it more than anything. I miss my Misa hugs and cuddles. I’ve rearranged my bedroom and its pretty spacious and I love how it looks now. Its definitely helped me settle back into being home.

And now I’m sat at my beautiful desk on my pretty computer and I’m talking to Misa on Skype while she shops.

So, I’m home, I've had another wondrous adventure to rule all adventures and in T-minus 7 months I’ll be back (for maybe even 3 weeks this time) and It’ll be as amazing as ever. But until then, its the daily grind of 6 days a week work and paying rent and coffee with Zoey to help me survive. But until my next blog post…

BUH-BYE! <33

Eek, Thirteen days until I fly back to America for two weeks. Its coming around so fast yet again, and I’m so so excited! I know like 4 days into being there again I’ll be getting myself all upset thinking about coming back to the UK. I did that last time, I just did not want to come back. I don’t have the guts to abandon everything though, however much I’d love to be really selfish and stay there for as long as I possibly can. Unfortunately I have a practically full time job where they rely on me (a bit too much) and I also have a mother who would complain. (While I was away last time I joked on facebook about how I wasnt coming back and she was all “Oh, but I need my baby back” yet she skyped me once during the whole two weeks and kept putting off another call, and when I got home she didnt really act as if she missed me that much.)

This year is going to be pretty much all go for me. Now I’m doing 6 day weeks (And I had no choice but to work the Sunday shift today, more about that in a bit) and I’ve been hanging with Zoey a lot lately too, so we have weekly costa coffee/lemonade. She says it should be twice a week though. Sounds good to me! Since we’ve both gotten pretty much obsessed with Lost Girl, we’re back to being closer friends again, which is brilliant because I finally have somebody to hang out with and she knows everything going on so we always talk about things, and its good to have that person there for you when you need it, for like actual physical hugs and talks and stuff. I’m thankful to still be such good friends with her since school, even with all the stuff thats happened (Which we were laughing about the other day so its all cool. Twitter RP really was stupid)

So other than working 6 day weeks, obviously I have this trip to america in thirteen days, and then in… May there is a Lost Girl/Once upon a Time convention that Zo and I are planning to go to. Gotta meet Tam Tam and Dr Lauren “Hotpants” Lewis. (Thats a name given by the fandom, not me.) Oh, and Trick the Blood King Prick will be there too but.. meh. And then I’m apparently having some sort of this… birthday party thing for my 21st. It’ll theoretically be better than last years birthday in which I spent the day at my nieces 11th birthday party for her birthday two days before and the family that went didnt even remember it was my 20th (And my sister felt bad for me so gave me my nieces second cake…yeah)
Also, some point this year I’ve got my cousins hen do to attend now that I finally got invited. AThe invite is a year too late, feeling like an after thought, but I guess she didnt realise I was actually 20 years old now.
Its 180pound, so I’ll have to budget for it, as well as the convention and tickets to go back to Knoxville in September. So yeah, 2014 is busy!

Yeah, the whole working on Sunday thing that happened today. I had no choice in the matter even though I kept saying no to the duty manager on the phone, but I went in 8-10 and did a basic bake. I dont even know what a basic bake is for sundays, but apparently I did pretty good. I made more than sundays usually have, but it still wasnt too much. I’ll see what the waste is like tomorrow morning, but hey! at least the bread will actually be trayed up for me on a monday for the first time since I started! If I can bake more than they usually do on a sunday and manage to clean the bakery as well as tray up for tomorrow in two hours, oh my days they have no more valid excuses from now on. Apparently I’ve been doing really good in the bakery, now that I’m the only baker. I’m proud to say that I keep it pretty organised, and I do complain when people leave things in the bakery overnight, among all the other complaints. My manager told me today that its good I complain though because it means I give a shit. His actual words. He also went on to say that he’s glad I’m doing this NVQ because I’m a smart ki-girl. (Yeah, he corrected himself from saying Kid to girl, so theres some progress) Also, he mentioned that he thinks I could be duty manager material in the future. Well then…

 

Ready to roll!

Todays Blog title is lyrics courtesy of Stay The Night – Zedd ft Hayley Williams

BUH-BYE READERS <3

 

Don’t even judge the title of this blog. I told myself I would use lyrics from the next song to play on spotify. So, as you can see from the picture, my Yogscast Nilesy shirt came a week or two ago, and I LOVE IT. I’m glad I bought it, to be honest, and I took this picture after work so I’m impressed my hair actually looks half decent for once.

19 DAYS UNTIL I GO BACK TO AMERICA!

Not that I’m counting down again.

These past two weeks have flown by though with work. I’ve been working Monday to Saturday, so I only get a lay in past 6am on Sundays. Its worth being there everyday to keep the bakery up together though because whenever Im not there (namely sundays) the next day is complete and utter shite because they dont tray up anything in advance, or clean, or defrost things overnight, or bake extra things like pies or maple pecans or puff pastries. They really such, and they always say its my fault when they dont do the right thing, and then say that they dont have enough time on a sunday to do it properly. smh

Atleast on the 21st of Feb (A day or two before I come home, sad face) I’ll get a big-ish wage packet for all my over time. I work at least 30 hrs a week on a 16hr contract. So I'll come back from America rich. Not sure how much I’ll be taking to america yet, I’ll just have to see what kind of money I get paid this friday. On the up-side to my mother owing me a bit of money, my rent will be like 80 pound or so this month, which gives me a little extra money to play with for america, as well as getting my brother and nephew birthday presents. Surprisingly enough though, I managed to still have atleast 150 pounds still in my bank from my christmas wages.

Last week was busy as hell though, guys! Wednesday afternoon I went out with Zoey to get coffee, and then we went to TK Max to hunt for twinkies (Which was unsuccessful) and then got pizza at Pizza Hut and then strolled over to the bowling alley to play in the arcade there, and then got coffee again. Thursday I had stock take, so effectively I had a split shift and did almost 10 hours work, and then Friday from 12;30pm-6;30pm I had to go up to cainscross to attend an NVQ sign up. I’ll be getting a Retail NVQ level two after doing a bunch of work, but I have to stay at the job for at least another year or they wont give me the qualification. I’m not too sure how that'll work out but I doubt I’ll be too fussed if I drop out of the course at any point. It would be nice to work towards it and get it though.

^^ Coffee numero uno. (My iced caramel latte was waaaay too strong though)

and saturday night, I hung out with Zoey again and we had a Lost Girl marathon, and it was awesome. Gotta love some Lost Girl. Excuse my face in the following picture LOL.

Yeah, Lost Girl is my new addiction, by the way. I chain watched 3 whole seasons on Netflix. Oh thank the lord for Netflix.

anyway, I'm gunna go and grab a snack and chill out

BUH-BYE <3

There are exactly 32 days until February 8th 2014. Time always goes faster than you think. One minute its a hundred days, and then boom, you're practically there. Yep, Feb 8th I’m going back to America for two weeks, of course! This time I’m 110% more excited than I was last time because I know what to expect from the travelling side of things so I don’t have to be too nervous about what I’m doing with flights. The only nail biter is getting through customs in washinton because last time I went through american customs it was in Chicago, and I had met a really nice couple on the plane there so they helped me get through it. They also helped me grab my bags, and get to my next gate via a.. subway rail-like thing.

But I know that as soon as I get off my favourite tiny plane to Knoxville, I’ll go through those revolving doors next to the little security section and I’ll get the best hug ever; A hug that I’ve been missing for a whole four months now. It’ll be 5 months, but then between Feb and September, I dont even want to think about it.

Anyway, its 2014! How did I spend my last moments of 2013? I was asleep actually. I had worked my butt off in the bakery at work all day so it was pretty hard staying up past 10pm. And how did I do for Christmas? Well, lets go onto this topic with an open mind for the time being…

Christmas, I was really proud that I was getting everyone presents and I was enjoying wrapping them up and everything. Which is all great and dandy, but as always I was worried about what I was getting. I hate sounding selfish, but I worry I wont like what my family get me. Namely my mother because she doesnt know what I want ever. Probably because she doesnt know me at all. But, nonetheless I hate thinking that I wont like anything she gets me and I’ll make it obvious in my face. Apparently my poker face needs to up its game when it comes to Birthday and Christmas gift opening. (Well, get me decent shit then.)

Before I pop a photo in of what I got for Christmas this year, lets bare in mind that it was 80% better than my 20th birthday in July, where I was forced to fake a smile all day because I was at my nieces 11th birthday party (Her birthday is two days before mine) and a bunch of my family were there, only to find out none of them realised it was even my birthday. It was pretty heartbreaking, if I’m completely honest. My niece had originally had two cakes, but my sister felt bad for me so she lit the candles of one for me. Even writing this and remembering it all makes me really sad. I don’t remember what my parents got me, I think it might have been 50 pound. In hindsight, I should have just canceled having the day off work and gone in. But anyway, here is my Christmas presents (minus the chocolate selection box I ate, and the Chocolate Santa the kids ate)

My parents actually got more than me this year, which is a first ever. I’m not gunna continue to sound like a grinch anymore, so I wont complain any more. I did however buy myself something to cheer me up. (I splashed out big time, guys!)

YAY! 3DS and games. I definitely do not regret doing this. And I’m still left with a decent amount of money in my pocket, so thats a good thing! But I wont be lending anymore to my mother, I’m fed up with her “We should be able to help each other out with money like this” logic, meaning “Just do it or I’ll tell your brother and sister, and they’ll moan at you and write you a detailed list of how much it’ll cost for you to live somewhere that isnt here” … that legit happened when I wouldn't cough up 100 for the heater to be fixed.

Warning. Rant on Mother incoming!

She’s turned into a hungry, money eating dinosaur as of recent years. She’s “quitting” smoking currently (and has been for about 6 months now) where she uses E-cigarettes and buys the expensive refills, but she’s also smoking normally as well, so she’s spending twice as much on her smoking habit, but apparently its better because her health is benefitting from it. Hey… smell that…? I think its BULLSHIT!
Spending all this extra money on her crap as usual has ended up with having my cousin live with us again to A) keep him from sleeping in his car every night and B) put money in her pocket…
And, she’s getting more and more housebound (Lazy) with me working in a shop. I work about 5 minutes walk away from work and she’s only ever visited me a hand full of times when my sister would DRIVE HER here to do shopping, and even though she is fully capable of walking up to get some milk herself she’ll wait and get me to bring it home, buying it with my own money and forget to pay me back.

She’s getting more and more on my nerves. She keeps shouting at me to stop making her feel guilty when I bring up things like how horrible my birthday was, and I’m just there like.. good, you feel guilty because you know it was shit, at least. She dotes on my siblings 24/7 and never thinks about me, even though I’m the one who lives at home still (unfortunately)
Maybe its because I’m not married, and have kids already or something. I have to have babies to make her notice me? That’ll be a long while, I’m afriad. My sister comes once a week, every week to talk to mum about things like her kids and hubby problems and my mum is more than happy to sit and talk with her about it all, but she’ll not look away from Candy Crush long enough to even look at me while I’m trying to talk to her about something. Halloween, all I remember is my mother picking up certain candy for giving the trick-or-treaters because my sister liked them. So I asked what’s my favourite and she didn't have an answer.

And another time when my sister got a new haircut, she said “having new haircuts all the time is what makes your sister her.” and so I asked what makes me me, and her answer? “You’re stubborn, You roll your eyes too much and you don't clean up” Well thanks, that's the best description of some one ever, and that's just so me. *ROLLS FUCKING EYES*

END OF RANTING for now…

Well, at least I know who I am thanks to last year. And this year will only get better. I got to get more excited about my trip while at work today because Grace was asking me about last time, and I told her all about the different planes, and the 20 minute walk to my gate in Heathrow, and the Chicago subway, and my favourite shaky hug. I got a little behind with cooking the cheese twists, but I was happy so it’s all fine. I think if I’m working 6 days a week now that Brenda has retired, then I’m allowed to do something that makes the day go better at least.

Anyway, I’m thinking of painting something. Not sure what yet, but lets see what inspiration I can get.

BUH-BYE! <3

Its been four long days since I’ve written. Lets start with something important that I managed to do the other day. I finally, after at least two weeks of waiting for the right moment, told my parents that I’m bisexual. Yeah. This is also the first time I’ll be actually saying it with written words on this blog too. No holding back from the truth here. This is a journal of my life, gotta write down something important like this, although my sexual orientation should not matter because I’m still the same person as I was before I accepted it (Finally). Its been a long time coming, I realise. More than four years, at least. I guess that the views of my close friends, while I was at school still, regarding this subject didn't help me all that much. Apparently its greedy to love both, but how can I help having a big, accepting heart? I can’t help that I see the good in everybody, its a flaw, and I’m happy as I am. Heck, I’m still accepting it now. I can still go on to have a husband and kids, I just.. might get close to one girl or another at some point along the way. What's the big deal of that, anyway? Mum went a bit… crazy. She kept asking how on earth I know when I haven't even been in a relationship with either… And I realise now that its probably not even my parents place to know my sexuality, because its not important to them really. (Or least it shouldnt be) I’m happy though. I’m just getting on with life as it comes to me, its not like I planned to do this. Oh well, I’m comfortable with who I am, and if others can’t accept that then its their problem, not mine. I have the support I need. (Even if the little butts made me cry on video with them. Butts..)

 

They were supposedly in the kitchen “Cleaning” and then Misa went to “help them clean” and then they all came over to the camera and stood in a line with “We Love You Vicky <3” on paper, and it was the sweetest thing anybody has ever done for me in my whole life, and we wonder why I love these adorable little Americans so damn much!

In other news, I babysat last night for Christopher and Kelly. I thought I was being super nanny with being able to get Logan to sleep in his crib without his mum being there, but then he woke up and would. not. stop. crying. I dealt with it calmly though, It really didnt get me stressed out or anything, I was just concerned because he was getting really hot and bothered. Apparently he was teething. Dawe. But while he was asleep for the little time, I had ordered Pizza. (Dad was there, too, and we hadnt eaten, and cos the kids were there we got a little extra pizza and stuff for them so they wouldnt feel left out.) Anyway, I’m getting the boys food and decide to get a little box together of some of the food for Natasha, who i had taken up to bed about 45 minutes beforehand. Anyway, I heard her coughing and also got her a little drink to take up. I go up with the pizza and drink and she's there mumbling to herself and crying whilst ripping up some tissue out of frustration. Now, I could tell what was going on, as I was there many times when I was growing up. She had heard what was going on downstairs and felt left out, and also she was missing her parents, but I give the pizza and drink to her and ask her if she was crying because she felt left out, and she nodded with the biggest smile on her face. Bless her little cotton socks. I told her to sleep as soon as she had eaten her pizza and then her mummy and daddy would be back quicker, and then I left to finally go eat my own pizza. Ain’t I a good auntie Tori?

Anyway, in other news, today I find out I don't have work until Wednesday, so I have a 4 day weekend to get really bored with. And here I am writing all this. And after a lovely wall of text covering my blog and keeping my future self, and any reader who stumbles upon this, updated I can end this post and jump on Xbox to play some games with my lovely American friends. And we wonder why I want to move over there…

 

BUH-BYE <3