I never knew
I never knew
that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run
when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
When everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Absolutely love this song. Over my head – The Fray. I’ve had it on repeat for the past few days. I’ve not gone to any lessons. Well, Three, but that’s not really anything, either. I’ve been a tiny bit ill on and off for the past week, but I’m just putting it down to the stressing out I’m doing over my Psychology exam next week. I’ve done revision for once though. Wanna see how much I’ve done so far? Well, Lemme go take a picture, bare with me a second though, I have to tidy my room a bit so I can spread it over the floor.

…

…

…

 

Ta-da! That’s not even half of what I have to do for Friday. Hence why I’m ill with stress, but It will all be okay as soon as It’s all over with. I just have to endure the stress and revise to make myself fell better. I still have the whole of aggression to do, not to mention go over all of it again, writing those little flash cards. This is the most revision I have ever done for any exam in my whole entire life, but I bet you that I will still get a crap grade. Oh well, Must be positive.

My parents are being really nice. I want to know how long this will last. My dad keeps bringing me things from work. As seeing he’s a builder, the stuff he’s got me are very odd.

 

Yeah, A disco ball, an alarm clock and some slippers. The Twilight actors book he got from Asda, and even though there isn't a Jackson Rathbone picture in sight, I’m thankful that I was thought of.

So, over Easter, my parents are going down to Minehead to have the weekend at my uncles new bed and breakfast. I’m not going. I decided this myself, because I’d rather stay home and have my music really loud than spend a weekend with my parents and my sister’s family at my uncles. I mean, actually, quite a lot of the family will be there, and because the whole family bloody revolves around Facebook statuses, I’d rather not go down there and be questioned and have to defend myself.

I’m going to have loud music and I’m going to run around the house naked. No, No, Okay, So I wont be running around naked. My cousin isn’t going either. I’m going to be feeding the cats and making sure he doesn’t have hot boxing sessions with his friends in our living room. I doubt he would do that but oh well, can’t ever be 100% sure with anything anymore.

Hope everything is going well for you. Not long ‘till the end of the first month in 2011. Exciting stuff! Next thing you know, It’ll be Christmas again!

*Leaves you to drool over this picture* Bye! … Oh god, Look at that tattoo…

 

According to UrbanDictionary.com, To be “Becca’d” is to be slapped in the face with a artificial penis. So, yeah, You've just been slapped in the face with an artificial penis. Fancy! You might want to go disinfect your face or something…

So, Seeing I haven’t blogged in forever, I thought I’d post a little something. Becca told It was disgraceful that I hadn't blogged in so long when we were in the library earlier, too.

Oh my, I think my bin is rebelling against me. Its been full for so long, but you know when you just can’t be bothered to change it and you just stuff more and more in until it bursts? Well, Its kind of at that point, so I pulled the bag out of the actual bin a little to put some more rubbish in it. I turned around for like a second, and I got attacked but an empty mince pie tin! It just popped out of nowhere, and it’s now at the other side of my room. It was very odd… Suppose that's what I get for having a nice collection of empty pop bottles next to it.

Becca and I sat in’t library attempting revision this afternoon. I say attempting because we were just laughing and scaring people off. I think we scared off like, ten people in total after the three hours. I was just sat there verbally abusing Becca and then making her tear up with laughter. So, I told her this story about my teacher in year five. What happened is that one of the kids in my class broke Mrs Strevens scarab beetle ornament that she got from like, Egypt or whatever. I turn around to see the teacher flicking her hair and crying. Its not exactly the funniest thing in the world, but if you just imagine it, and then a kid throwing a dictionary at her head, you might just giggle a little. Becca near enough died.

What what, in the butt? LOL. I wrote that on Becca’s arm, whereas she wrote “I’m gay. (I like women) In the ass. My ass is nice. But her ass is better--->” Hahaha. She also drew on my arm for her sociology revision, and I did a little bit of maintenance of relationships revision for psychology.

I should really tidy this room up. Its a tad on the pig sty side. And, I think I’m still home alone right now. I came home like “Where’s evuurrbody at?” But I was more like “You're complete and utter cocks” because I'm being rather abusive today. Its because I was a depressed sperm.

Okay, I’m hungry and tired, so I’ll be wandering off now to go sort the first one out. Have a nice Friday tomorrow, dear reader.  Byes! x

Last night, I dreamt I was trying to get to my bedroom, but Sam, Kelly and my Mum had torn the stairs down, and they were throwing things at me. They had also got everyone from the lower years at school to annoy the heck out of me, and make sure I couldn't use my phone to get hold of Becca. Have you ever had one of those dreams where you have to phone like, 999 or something like that, and your dream phone wont let you. You press 999, but it comes up as like 245, and if you do manage to phone 999, its not the emergency services, its a bloody catalogue ordering service. It was sort of like that, but with Becca's number.

I went to bed last night at nine o’clock. And I woke up at that time in the morning too, but I'm still tired. My dad tried to sneak a check up on me,  but I woke up hearing the creek of the floorboard outside my door. I was still half asleep, so I was just all “What?” As in, what are you doing? and he wouldn't answer me, so I asked two more times, and he answered something like “Just checking” and this lead me to think either he was being sweet, or just checking that I hadn't either run away or I don't know, killed myself? I wouldn't kill myself, even at the lowest point ever.

But anyway, the point is, yesterday, was terrible as soon as I got home. Prior to walking through the back door, my life was problem some enough, but no, My brother, sister-in-law and my mother had to make it worse for me. I know as a reader, you might not have a clue what's going on here. So here is a few things.

I got home. Yet another "conversation" about me not having a job. They don't understand that I'm struggling to keep my grades up as it is. It's constantly an issue. I don't even think they care about me still being in school. I swear they just want me to quit and get a job. Its my idiot of a mother, and my brother. They just don't shut up about it, and when I talk, they don't listen. Urgh. I mean, I'm the good one of the family. I didn't do drugs or get knocked up at 17. My mum treats me like I should've though. I've never been drunk, I've never smoked, I've never had sex, Never stolen. Am I supposed to get arrested for them to listen?

I picked up all of the psychology work I have to revise for the exam on the 28th, my ICT book and the two books for English. I took it all downstairs in an attempt to get them all to understand. Picked up the first English book and said “All of this, plus I haven't even started this yet” and my brother was like “Why not?“ in a tone of voice that was like “I bet you should have” and I looked at him and said “Because we haven't started it in lessons yet” 
But the thing is, I said something along the lines of “Look, I have to remember all of this and its hard enough as it is without a job. I wish you’d just understand that” but of course, I started to cry halfway through it. Point one from this. I don’t ever cry in front of anybody if I can help it. Point to, My fucking brother scoff-slash-laughed when I did so. As if he thought “Crying to get her own way” … It’s not like its my fault that I cry when I’m feeling helpless.

I told them about having all that psychology to remember, and my brother said something like “Yeah, I do that everyday at work.” … ITS NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING! You –HAD- to get a job at this age because you had to support your pregnant girlfriend. You weren’t doing A-levels, and if you wouldn't have got a proper job if you didn't have to. What none of them will understand, and trust me, ive tried getting this through their thick skulls, is that everybody is different. Just because other people my age can get a job and good grades at the same time, doesn't mean I can! And, then he went home with his family, and I went upstairs in tears without another word.

I phoned Rebecca in hysterical tears. You know, the ones where you can’t breathe properly because you’ve got yourself worked up. I used to be like that when I was little too, and I could never stop unless my Mum gave me a hug, but, even if I was half-expecting, or wanting, my Mum to say “Its okay, come here” and give me a hug, it didn't happen. Because she had an audience, and wanted to look like a strong parent. It took ages for Becca to calm me down. I’d like to take this quick opportunity to say that Rebecca is one of the best friends I have ever had. I love her to pieces. Thank you for being there for me. <33

I don’t know what Becca thought was happening when she answered the phone to me hyperventilating and crying like I was. I would have panicked like hell, to be completely honest. But she calmed me down enough so I could talk to her about what had happened. It made her angry. And she ranted about it all. And made me feel better. We were on the phone for 20 minutes, and then she went to have dinner. I facebooked so my brother and sister in law, and my mum preferably, could see how I felt. Then I got a text from Kelly saying “Just thought I’d tell you that you don't have to pick up Benjamin up from school on Thursdays anymore. Thank you for the times you did.” … How Childish. Basically, from my understanding of the situation that's “You cant pick him up, because we don't want to see you when we have to pick him up, and we don't want our child hearing anything unsuitable about his parents”

I’m not three. Or a bitch.

There is still, today, a fifty percent chance of me leaving this house, as its not home anymore, to go to Becca’s. Because I don’t want to be here anymore if it means being part of people who are small minded, money centred and inconsiderate enough to not even listen to their youngest family members thoughts, views and opinions. They don’t know me, so why bother Judging me? And, they need to stop telling me what to do like I was three years old. I’m seventeen. I’m a teenage HUMAN being. I can carry a conversation without getting distracted by a spec of dust, and I can put across my thoughts in structured essays if needs be… (Because I apparently cant talk to my family about what I want, and explain what it is to be me, without breaking down into tears)

If any of them were to be in my shoes for one week, they would understand. But none of them can understand. They seem to not want to. And I’m fed up with trying to explain, for them not to even listen. They always have something to say back to me, but whenever I try to say something back, its different, its not allowed, unacceptable. Do me a favour, grow up and get a mind of your fucking own instead of following for approval. I’m fed up with you how you are. You’ve hurt me and you probably are either clueless, or heartless and don’t care.

How this is going to work, I have no idea. I’m just checking if it works right now. Wish me luck !! ♥

Merry Christmas for Saturday. I hope everyone had a good time, spending it with those they love the most. I had less presents than I normally would, but thats okay. I got a Laptop finally. Its my brothers old one, and its like the one I had that died, but this one actually still has its original charger. I also got other things that dont really equate to the awesomeness of the laptop. Except this one present...



Yeah, A Six foot Edward Cullen cut-out. Haha. My mum said I'd know what it was as soon as I saw the box, but I hadn't the foggiest. We had a lot of food for christmas, and now we're living on leftover left overs. Its not that nice. This is the time where I'd gladly swap a tub of pringles for a salad. But then again, Ive always loved my fruit, veg and salad.

So, New years. Last year I spent it with Rebecca, and this year It shall be the same. Except this year we've got Lizzie too! Yay. Last year we dailyboothed, got my dad to order a takeaway for us from my house to be delivered to Becca's dad's and googled the lyrics to that new years song.... Haha.

Resolutions? .... Will I even stick to them? Did I acheive last years?

Last years resloutions:
1: Find a Job ------ Thats a big fat no.
2: Work harder at school ------- I dont know, I doubt it though
3: Sort Procrastination out ----- definatly not. Im still procrastinating
4: Less Chatroll ---- Yup. I used to be on it all the time. Now, hardly ever.
5: Keep up to date with my diary ----- I guess this blog helps with that. Yes?

So, Two out of five I acheived. Thats not too good, is it?

This years?
1: A-levels atleast D's in all subjects. C's would be better, but be realistic.
2: Get a Job
3: Read at least Ten books.
4: Continue to blog.
5: Less time on internet.

You know, my mum told me that I need to find a job as soon as possible. I told her that I can't do school and a job at the same time because I'm struggling with school on its own as it is, but she wouldnt listen. It was all "Thomas applied online" and "I lose £200 a month when you finish school, you'll have to make it up" I'm seventeen! I dont want these kind of pressures on me! I'm surpised ive been able to cope with this for as long as I have. I was near crying point in the back of the car when we had this discussion. My mum just doesnt understand. I was all "Just because Thomas can do this and that doesnt mean I can. Individual differences and everything"... She didnt give a flying fuck about what I had to say, she's just concerned that she wont have enough money for her smoking habit after I leave school.
I prehaps made a mistake by saying "You'd rather just not get a job yourself and live off Dad's money for the rest of your life" On the brighter side, Im so proud of my brother right now. He's quitting smoking at the moment. Two weeks without a cigarette.

On the less brighter side, I have a lot of psychology revision to do. 28th January, exactly a month from today, I have the exam. I havent started revising yet, and that makes me stressed and upset, like I am now. The other things happening right now just add to that stress, and I get more upset. Im getting near to one of those times where I just sit crying from being stressed out by everything for a few days. Its a really depressing time, and its like im bi-polar or something. Lets hope its just one of those days, as I keep telling myself. Tomorrow, a new day, I'll be fine.


Atleast I hope so.




♥ ♥

I opened my eyes, blinking a few times to clear the haze, to see Jacksons face above me. He smiled down at me. "Sorry, I tried to carry you home without waking you up."
"It's okay" I said, holding onto his neck so I didn’t fall. He didn’t stop to put me down, so I leant my head against his chest and he chuckled lightly.
"Comfy?" He asked.
"Comfier than Ben's sofa. I think Sam stashed playboy magazines under the cushions. It was lumpy." Jackson Laughed, and I heard Ben beside us laughing too.
"Sound's about right." Ben said, opening the door to the apartment. Jackson carried me in and put me down on the sofa, pulling the blankets over me.
"Night, Vick" He smiled down at me, hovering for a few seconds and then went to leave. I coughed to get his attention, sitting up. He chuckled. "What?"
"Where's my hug?" I said, smiling and opening my arms. He came back over and leant down, wrapping his arms around me, as I did the same. When he stood up again, he smiled and kissed my forehead, before going to his room.
"Night Vick." He repeated when he got to the door, and then disappeared, closing the door behind him. Ben waved and I waved back, laughing lightly. I changed into Jackson's sweats and shirt before curling back up on the sofa.

The lights were all off, it was after midnight, and I sat staring out of the window, up at the moon.
"What’s happening? Why all of this now? What reason?" I whispered, before looking over at Jackson's door. I got up and crept over to it. I pressed my ear against the door and heard nothing. I don't know what came over me, but I slowly opened the door and peeked in. He was asleep. I smiled. He was so cute. Cuter than when he played Nick Fiske in Beautiful People. Cuter than Jasper and Alice. I snuck in and slowly, carefully, sat at the end of his bed. He was breathing evenly, and I watched him like this for about five minutes when I thought to myself.
'What am I doing? I'm like a stalker! It’s crazy. I'm like a female version of Edward, except not a vampire. Get out now, before he wakes up"
I stood up slowly and walked back over to the door. Just as I got to the door, I heard something behind me. I looked. Jackson was sat up slightly, leaning on his elbow, rubbing his eye with the other hand, looking at me.
"Vicky? What's the matter?"
"Nothing. I'm fine. Sorry. Go back to sleep."
"Come here" He said, sitting up properly now and waving his arm, indicating for me to go over to him.

I ran my hand through my hair as I walked back over to the bed. Was he worried about me?
"Come on, Vick." He smiled sleepily, pulling the covers back for me to climb in. I stood for a few more seconds, staring at him, and then I climbed in, getting comfy. I lay down next to him and he pulled the cover over me and pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me.
"You sure you’re okay?" He asked. I nodded, speechless. I got comfy, curling up next to him and smiling at him.
"Thanks, Jackson."
"Call me Jay." He smiled, closing his eyes and holding me close to him, as if he could protect me to any bad dreams he thought I might be having.
"Thanks Jay" I said, smiling as I got comfortable in his arms, closing my eyes.
"OhMyGodOhMyGodOhMyGod" I squealed. Becca laughed.
"What!?"
"I’m... Asleep. In his bed!" I squealed excitedly.
"Oh god, you didn’t did you? 'Cos technically, you’re only eight."
We laughed.
"No, of course not. He thought I had a bad dream. He's so sweet! If it’s possible to fall even more in love with him, I just did." I grinned.

"You’re going to have to start figuring out how long it is youre here for each time." Becca said.
"You work on that too. We'll figure out the whole time thing sooner or later." I nodded.
"And, How the heck you’re doing this?"
"It seems like I'm still there when I'm here. Do you know what I mean? This is pretty confusing for me" I giggled.
"Yeah. Like, you go poof here, but there, you’re just asleep" She nodded. "Maybe... Close your eyes, Vicky." I did as she said.
"And this is in aid of what exactly?" I could feel arms around me. My cheek warmed up. I opened my eyes.
"That." She grinned.
"I can feel what I feel there. He's still got his arms around me." I squealed.
"Try again." Becca said, leaning back on her pillow, pulling elphy into her lap. I close my eyes. His arms were still there, my cheek was still warm. I opened my eyes and raised my eyebrows at Rebecca.
"What?" She asked. I rubbed my forehead. "He kissed you in your sleep. Adorable!" She laughed.

"Poof. Have fun." Becca laughed. I could hear it getting fainter until I couldnt hear her at all. Jackson still had his arms around me. My cheek was warm, like I had felt. My head was on his chest. I was curled up on his side. I smiled, opening my eyes slowly to see the light in the window. I sat up and looked down at Jackson and his eyes were closed. How had he kissed my forehead? When had he?
"Jay?" I whispered. His eyes shot open and I almost had a heart attack. "God don't do that" I said, hitting hit stomach lightly. He chuckled.
"Sorry. What's up?"
"Nothing. Just wondering if you were awake, is all." I said, smiling down at him.

Ben and Jackson got ready for lesson’s and headed out of the apartment. I was back on the sofa, television on mute and eating a slice of toast. I was watching the weather, thinking. I brushed the crumbs off my hands and got up, taking my plate over to the kitchen sink. I raised my eyebrow, looking at all the mess. Boys. I spent about an hour washing all the dirty dishes and then another ten minutes finding where things belonged.
I looked at the clock as I made my way back over to the sofa. An hour to kill. I closed my eyes.
“Figured it out yet?” I asked. Becca jumped.
“Geezus… and no. Have you?” She asked.
"No. It would be easier if I slept at the right times...." I replied.
“I agree, I would be a lot easier that way. You sleep too much, anyway.” Becca she said
“Do not” I rolled my eyes. Hearing a noise, I looked toward the wardrobe. “Okay, I’ll sleep for twelve hours and stay awake for that too.” I nodded and closed my eyes. I felt a soft warm breeze and, opening my eyes again, I saw Ben G looking down at me.
“Ben was right, you do sleep a lot.” He said, chuckling, putting a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it.

"You washed up?" I heard Ben J say from the general direction of the sink.
"Yes. because I'm guessing nobody would have done it otherwise." I rolled my eyes.
"Thanks, Vick!" he grinned at me. I coughed, inhaling a puff of smoke. I shot a look at Ben G and he took a step back. Jackson chuckled from the door, taking his shoes off.
"Sorry, I've been craving for a smoke all day." Ben said, smiling and flicking ash into an ashtray on the windowsill.
"You should really quit that you know. It'll damage your lungs. And, It's isnt cool to smoke, either." I started my mini-lecture. My Mum had always smoked, and it had always bothered me. I didnt want to see these guys getting ill because of smoking. Heck, I didnt want them getting ill full stop. After being here for only two or three days, they felt like my best friends.
"Yeah, yeah. Thats what my Mom told me. I don't care." Ben G said, rolling his eyes and taking another drag.
"Please, at least work on quitting?" I said, looking down at the floor.
"Whatever. I'll think about it."

In three days, it will be christmas eve. In four, christmas. Five, boxing day. And then christmas will be over. We'll be left with presents that we either love, or don't intend on ever using. I have my laptop, and with that, I intend on keeping a promise in three days. I dont remember how far back I made this promise, but S and I shall be Skypeing. SHALL! It will happen. I made this promise with the intent of keeping it. So, Ha!

I will post on christmas all the things and people I am thankful for in my life, because after those presents, youre still left with what you had. The same people in your life that you can't do without.

This weekend, I went to Pewsey to visit Becca and I was meant to get home but I missed my bus watching Eclipse for the second time in two days. Whoops. Plus, the snow was gay. Did I mention I went without telling my parents, and I didnt tell them I couldnt get home either. Double whoops.

I accidentily saw that my Mum got me a Doctor Who 2011 annual. She left it on a piece of paper in the livingroom. I sat down, went to move it and glanced at it. Triple whoops. December aint goin' too well, is it? Oh, speaking like that reminds me! That Time Jumper thang. I think I should be like "Time Jumper: Jackson Rathbone"..... That way, I could make more with different people. The possibilities! I could have Becca going back in time and meeting Scott Pattinson! ... If I knew how to write Scott. Or It could just be me going back and meeting famous people. I could ruin Justin Bieber! *Evil laugh* Now we're talking. Haha

I will post the next part of it next time I post. *Nods lots*

'Til next time. Merry Christmas! ♥