Victoriaaa!! says:
What is Phatic Talk ?
Rebecca (: says:
talking bolluuccckksssss.

Today was spent in town and in the public library, with Rebecca. She was doing revision for her History exam next week and I was revising for psychology. Thing is, I remember some of her history revision on russia, and seeing that Im not taking that subject is bad. I am apparently the provisional government, which is bad because I lack legitimare authority. See, I shouldnt know this !! I bought some highlighters, a sharpie and some notepads, so I have enough of them for the time being. I got home at around half four and tidied my room for the first time in weeks. Then I sort of organised my school folders. I wasnt settled down until atleast 9pm because I went up the shop too, to get some money out to pay for my phone bill. Joy.

My mum went up the hospital today. She had to have this tube stuck up her nose. Long story short- Basically, If she continues to smoke, she is going to die. As if it werent the case in the first place, its even more so now. There is some sort of ‘Irritation’ at the back of her throat. Thats what she told me, but my dad was more forward with me. He said while the doctor was examining her, he was saying things like “You are going to quit smoking, arent you?” and then my mum was all quiet so he repeated the question. She is quitting tomorrow.

No get arounds this time, mother. You cant text Christopher, Kelly or Sam to bring you a packet. This is your final chance. Like I told you this evening, you keep saying “It may be” but the thing is, you have to act like it is now, because I really could be. There is no time to waste, this really is the last chance youre going to get, and if that hasnt scared you into giving up then what will? I cant bare to lose you. You mean the world to me, of course you do. Im just the typical teenager that avoids loading the dishwasher and doesnt tidy up after themselves. In all honesty, I leave things for you to do sometimes, on purpose, because you dont do an awful lot. It hurts me to see you just sat around, reading books, watching television and playing computer games. I know you take like, twenty odd tablets a day just to keep you healthy, but you dont do anything else to help you. You hardly ever eat a proper meal, but you use tablets to give you all the vitamins and minerals you need. That seriously cant be healthy. Even if you dont feel hungry, little and often. There are so many things you could do to help yourself, but you just arent.

She’s going back to the hospital in three weeks to have another tube stuck up her nose. If they dont know what it is then, they have to operate and take a little of the ‘irritation’ and send it off for tests. I dont know what I will do if results come back saying its throat cancer, but right now, thats what im convinced it is. She’s smoked since she was my age, sixteen, and now shes fifty-odd. Thats a long time. The doctor is pretty sure that this is smoking-related though. What hurts the most though is, as soon as she got out of the hospital after learning this, she went to the shop and bought a packet of twenty fags.

Life isnt as simple as it first looked.

Now, I know you dont like me, and I accept that, but atleast be quiet about it. Im not going to take it for much longer if im completly honest. Thankfully, tomorrow is the last day of school before study leave so I wont have to bother with your petty insults any longer. Yes, I know I can be annoying, but that doenst mean you have to make snide remarks everytime I walk over to see my friends. The problem is that there isnt just one person who hate my guts and arent afraid to express it. There’s two or three. There’s a few more that dont like me, but atleast they keep it quiet. They dont sit there and say “I doubt you’re intellegant enough to win this card game” or say “Oh god, Go away will you?” when you walk over to sit in the corner. You will be thankful to know that I do however find you ridiculous and revulting but do I tell it to your face? No, I dont. Sort your life out, you child!

Plus, today I think I felt my temper surfacing. I got pretty angry with someone but I didnt voice anything because I know that it logically was the wrong thing to do. We were in a group of three and we had to do a section of the sheet and then tell each other about it. I felt she was purposly being quiet when we were taking notes. I tried to listen but she looked at me and I just sighed quietly and tried to take my own notes for the sheet. Thankfully, My friend gave me the notes for me to copy. What I would do without her, I dont know.

But ya know, I feel like im going back to my old quiet self. Its not a good thing. Im just worried about so many things. Exams, mainly. I need to revise, seeing that I have my first exam in two weeks. Then I have my psychology exams in 25 days. I cant take the stress. Ive taken to day dreaming to get rid of my thoughts of worry, but thats just going to make things worse. I daydream about getting away from everything, visiting Seann and Louise. But no matter how much daydreaming I do, I need to go and do some work. No revision = Failing at life. Adios, my friends. Until next time.

Open up my eyes
To dreams that should have died
I was made for more than this

Take away my name
For I will never be the same
I have not begun to live

Trading Yesterday - Love Song Requiem 

Emily will find a better place to fall asleep
She belongs to fairy tales that I could never be
The future haunts with memories that I could never have
And hope is just a stranger wondering how it got so bad

I die each time you look away
My heart, my life will never be the same
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch will be the end of me

You could be the final straw that brings me back to earth
Ever-waiting airports full of the love that you deserve
Wishing I could find a way to wash away the past
Knowing that my heart will break, 
At least the pain will last

I die each time you look away
My heart, my life will never be the same
This love will take my everything
One breath, one touch will be the end of me

Emily will find a better place to fall asleep
Maybe she will save me in the oceans of her dream
And maybe someday love
Maybe someday love
Maybe someday love



 | Trading Yesterday - Love Song Requiem

Yesterday, after my only lesson, Rebecca and I got three buses to come to her dads house , where we are currently dog-sitting Tilly. We walked Tilly last night in some field and all we could hear were cows. It was pretty scary seeing we heard them but didnt see them. When we got back home we sat and watched Alan Carr's Tooth fairy DVD and ate lasagne, which was very tasty. At around half nine we went up upstairs and watched the Sound of music. We both feel asleep halfway through and I was the one to get up at half two to turn it all off. Rebecca started to talk in her sleep like usual and I dozed off. Lizzie will be coming over later today and we can have a little mini-partay !!

I love being surrounded by green and the sunset. See, living in a moment is better than anything. =)

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again but not this time around

This morning I left for school feeling hurt. I left, for the first time in ages, an empty house. Nobody to hug me, tell me to go careful, to have a nice day. Just me, myself and I. My dad drove my mum up the hospital for some chest scan thing, maybe a first of many. She said she’ll need to go have a load of blood tests as well.

I really dont like it when someone tells you its going to be okay and not to cry, It just makes you worse. You turn your head away and repeat ‘Dont cry’ in your head until you believe that your emotions wouldn’t cause any more unessicary hurt to anyone. And then you look back at them and they say its going to be okay, so you have to look away again muttering agreements that in your heart you know might not be true.

Holding on the days drag on
Stupid girl, I should've known
I should've known.
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale

I believe that fate and luck has everything to do with whats happening. Bad fate. Bad Luck. Just whisper in my ear and hold me close. Im needing it right now.....


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And Truth be told .... I miss you. So long It feels. Everyday without you it hurts more. Anyone else wouldnt understand. Never leave me, please. Never forget the three of us and our times together.