Here I go,
Out the door.
Crumpled heart,
on the floor.

Let me go,
My soul will soar.
Crumpled heart,
loved some more.

Say goodbye,
Blow a kiss.
'till next time,
I will miss.

Fare thee well,
my perfect friend.
Crumpled heart,
on the mend.

This morning I woke up at 4.30am. I haven’t had a nightmare for a while now, a few month’s or so. I used to have a dreamcatcher in my old room. Im not sure if it worked but it was there to protect me from bad dreams. My nightmare was strange, jumbled up. All I really remember of it now though, was the end. I was in my house, with a few of my family members and a few friends. We were being kept there by someone, slowly being killed off. One by one. Then Claire walked down the stairs upset. Ive never met her before, but Ive seen a few of her dance videos, like I’ve mentioned before, and a few pictures. It was surprising how my mind represented her in my dream almost perfectly, glasses and her dark hair tied up. It was like she was actually there. I gave her a hug and then turned to my sister. It was strange because I could see me. It was like I was watching my own fate unfold in this dreamworld. Claire started to make some strange noises. I was starting to wake up now. I thought she was going to turn into a zombie or something, which is usually what my nightmares are based around. I guess Ive watched Resident Evil 1,2 and 3 too many times. I guess because I was starting to wake up and was more aware, I changed it so she wasnt a flesh eating monster. Phew. She had a heart attack instead. My sister told me I had to perform some emergancy heart surgery on her and to un-clog an artery or something, but I woke up. My first thought was “Great, now I wont be able to get back to sleep”. I know, I sound strange, but I cant control what I dream about. I only just stopped sleeping with a nightlight about two years ago. I was terrified by the dark for years. Im sixteen now but its fine. I now sleep with a fan on all the time. Im just cool like that. I think its because it makes a noise and I listen to it instead of all the little creaks. Im still jumpy in the dark, I guess.

Im listening to the song Cut by Plumb today. Yet another song from the Vampire Diaries. I dont even watch the Vampire Diaries.

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die

Ive had these moments. I can be really happy and act crazy, but I can also be quiet and shy. I think the third and forth line is telling others to look in your eyes and see the truth of who you are. People judge others by their looks oftentimes and its wrong. Everyone deserves to be accepted as they are. No need to change for someone else because you just end up hurting yourself. I remember feeling alone and cold. Way back in January, I had a mental breakdown. Atleast, thats what Im calling it. I started to feel slightly strange and morbid one day. I must have been stressed with friendship problems and exams. On the evening of saturday 23rd, I broke down. I was sat in my bedroom crying for no apparent reason. It was a terrible feeling. It didnt take long for me to start feeling better again though. Becca helped on the wednesday. We went into town and then saw “It’s complicated” at the cinema. Friends can be the downfall of someone at one point in time, and then they can be the saviour. Life is complicated but who would have it any other way?

I really wanted to write yesterday, but I had no idea what to write about. Plus I had alot of work to do for school. Fun. Today I felt the same but I thought I’d give a go at something a friend taught me. If you just start writing randomly, you should just find things to say. Im not sure its working right now though. Im hoping for it to kick in any time now. I can hear some baby birds chirping, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. Good because ‘Aw’. Bad because its in my wall and that means I cant open the cupboard without the fear of a winged beast attacking me.

Im listening to a song now to drown out the sound off the incessant chirping. I have no idea how im going to sleep tonight with that racket. The song Im listening to? Well, If you really want to know its called Wait it out by Imogen Heap. Its apparently from the vampire diaries but I did not know that before I youtubed the lyrics. I heard it on a friends video where she was dancing at a competition and like it. Her dancing was amazing, might I add.

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

See, A few updates ago on this blog of mine, I was writing about how time changes things. And here is a song, a few days later, that just jumps infront of me - not literally. Everybody says time heals everything. Its true. But the truth is, we say that to make ourselves feel better until things do get sorted. Have you ever waited for something to get better and it never did? Maybe it got worse. You cant just sit and wait for things to happen all the time. You need to get up and do something about it.

Today, I came across this Twilight FanFiction about Alice and Jasper. I say this about a few of the fanfictions I come across, because it’s true, but it made me cry. I dont get emotional that often, but I always seem to cry while reading a fanfiction with sweet or sad moments in them. I kind of realise, now, that I havent mentioned that im a Twi-fan in this blog. Maybe I have hinted with the whole role-play screen shots. Wow, I role-play. At sixteen. Oh, come on, what else am I meant to do in the evenings when there isnt anything on the television? But, yes, I am a major fan of Twilight. Im not, however, one of the crazed fans that get all defensive over it. I can actually take a joke and have favourited a Twi-hating video because it was just too funny. And, Like Ive said, A few Fanfictions have made me cry. Ill put a little list of them below this paragraph. Right about...... here.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5935114/1/Lost
- Now, although this FanFiction is only two chapters at the moment, It is still pretty good. Minus the confusion over POV’s (Point of views) at the begining because it shifts from character to character until settling, its pretty good. I wont give away the plot, but Ill tell you it is very sweet. Go read it if you have time.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5155065/1/Note_Writing
- This is a pretty long story. Im only at chapter 18 at the moment, but Im definatly planning on reading more. Its completed which is good because you dont have to wait for more chapters to be added. Read it if you have a lot of time spare and a few tissues handy just in case.

It seems to have worked. Ive written about nonsense, but ive written nonetheless !! Thank you Seann !! The Picture for this post was taken by me while laying on a trampoline in the back garden. It looks like it says "Lol". Nice one. What do you see? :P

Im checking off and leaving you to it, readers. Have a nice day. :) xxx

30th post !! Woop woop.

Here we go. Welcome to my funeral.
Without you I dont even have a pulse.
All alone, it's dark and cold.
With every move I die

Here I go
This is my confession oh
A lost cause nobody can save my soul
I am so delusional
With every move I die

I have destroyed our life,
It's gone
Payback is sick
It's all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
with every move I die

When did I become such a hyprociate
Double life, lies that you caught me in
Trust me i'm paying for it with every move I die

On the floor im just a zombie who I am is not who I wanna be
I'm such a tradegy with every move I die

I have destroyed our life,
It's gone
Payback is sick
It's all my fault

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

This is it and now your really gone this time
Never once thought i'd be in pieces left behind

I'm dancing with tears in my eyes
Just fighting to get through the night
I'm losing it
With every move I die

I'm fading
I'm broken inside
I've wasted the love of my life
I'm losing it
With every move I die

Watch your step, love is broken
I am every tear you cry
Save your breath, your heart has spoken
You already have my life

It seems unfair to me that time changes everything. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years. No matter how hard you try, change is inevitable. I wont accept it. I never will. In some cases, things change for the worse, but then change to be the best thing in your life. Thats an acceptable change, I guess, because, after all, you have to learn from mistakes made by yourself and others. Thats just how the world is. You’re only human. No one can be perfect.

For I am finding out that love will kill and save me
Taking the dreams that made me up
And tearing them away
But the same love will take this heart that's barely beating
And fill it with hope beyond the stars
Only love

I can home today from school and went straight on my laptop to my Twitter account. I checked my @Replies and began to read. My eyes began to water at the message I had received.

Seann - @vickyvictoria10 it's raining and I wish u were here for a sleepover. Rude Boy is playing on the radio,and there's nothing I want more than to be able to talk with you again while you prance around to show me your house, then read Catch Me and bug you to reply to my review,exchange voice recordings with you. .all I really want to say is that I miss you. So much. It hurts.

I cant find the words to tell you how much I miss you too, Seann. Id gladly spend hours making up some word to tell you how much I miss you, but Im not good with neologism’s. I know it hurts for you. It hurts for me too. It seems like ages ago when I first found your story on FanFiction. You had already written 42 chapters at that point. My first review was on the fifth chapter telling you that I was going to continue reading. And I did. That was the 16th February 2010. Later that day, I sent you this review.

Phew, After 4 straight hours of reading from the very start, Im here at the newest chapter ! You really dont know how much i love this story. Its made me laugh, Cry, smile and go "Aw" countless numbers of times. Your an amazing writer, dont let anybody tell you otherwise. I cant wait for the next installments and i will be reading everyday. Alice and Jasper forever ... in holy matrimony ... in seven years anyway, haha. Im on the edge of my seat, even if i AM sat on the floor. Haha. Ly lots for writing all of this !

Love Alice-oxox

X

That was the begining. And here we are. You, Louise and I. Missing each other. Hopefully you will get a new laptop soon. Then you can update your blog, fanfictions and Facebook like you used to. And dont forget our MSN chats. I miss your laughter on the speakers. Time will bring us all together again, just like it took us apart. I know it will.

Another day, another sunrise
Washing over everything
In its time, love will be mine
The beauty and the tragedy

Just thought I'd have a little note before my actual update. For anyone wondering, all of the pictures I use for my posts are taken by me with my camera phone. Only one or two of the pictures are off the internet, and I try not to use them too often. As you can probally tell from my pictures, I am pretty amazed by the sky. Clouds and Sunsets are my favourite thing to look at by far, along with flowers and rivers. This picture is me and my beyond sexy yellow outfit on Brean sands Beach, which is by weston-super-mare. I dont know how old I was, but Ill take a guess of about seven or eight. :)

Okay, Im off to write my update :P

x

Everyone has the rights to be seen and heard right? Here are a few people's things that deserve a second glance -

http://twicandy.blogspot.com/

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5910808/1/Moulin_rouge_ending_rewritten

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5638316/1/It_Makes_You_Human

Ill add more as I find 'em ;)

xxxx